Leading the Lost Pilotfish
by FoxyGrampaGlasses
Summary: From the very beginning, he was Aiichirou. No one could ever, would ever, convince him otherwise. Someone could, however, lead him to freedom. FTM!Nitori/Rin.
1. North?

**CHAPTER 1 -_ North?_**

* * *

[[ _From the very beginning, he was Aiichirou. No one could ever, would ever, convince him otherwise. Not the bullies at school. Not frustrated teachers. Not sweet old ladies at the grocery store. Not his parents' frazzled slaps, cutting words, locked doors, nothing could change what was true._

_And as a child, he believed this was just how the world worked. He resigned himself to a life of being hated for how he was born. He invited abuse. It was the only attention he would ever have, and in a sad broken way, he was okay with that._

_His uncle showed up one day, his parents had been awfully quiet. He took little Aiichirou's hand with a gentleness the boy had never known. He left that house, those people, too enthralled with his uncle's kindness._

_And he never asked why, never thought to go back. Thinking about it much later in life, he knew it was because he'd finally been given true family. He had no reason to miss parents that had never once acted as parents._

_He remembered the horror of starting his period. The pain was awful, but bearable. It was going to the bathroom that he couldn't stand. Wiping up the blood, it made him sick. He threw up the first time, his uncle rubbing his back soothingly. He began holding his pee to avoid having to deal with blood. Once he even wet his pants because of it. He wanted it to stop, he wanted it so badly, he'd never wanted something to _just stop_ so much._

_He couldn't swim on those days either. He absolutely refused to use tampons. He would rather stick a serrated knife up there. _He would not use a tampon_. The girls on his team would sneer about little Ai who was too much of a baby to use a tampon. Aiichirou hated it, but under the water, sound was distorted and he could make believe that it didn't hurt._

_He remembered when the boys' voices began dropping. Aiichirou felt as though his voice was only getting higher, hips wider, chest bigger. He wore shirts and shorts far too big for his size, desperately trying to hide what his body was yelling to the world. With big tears in his eyes, he told his uncle he wouldn't go to school ever again, wouldn't let anyone see him, _he was a monster_._

_He remembered when his uncle helped him put on his first binder. Other people might have whined about it being uncomfortable, but Aiichirou felt like he could breathe for the first time since he was born. He could not be more comfortable. He hugged his uncle long and hard. Maybe he could do this._

_And he remembered when he took his first shot of testosterone. It was scary, he might have cried. He remembered when his voice cracked and dropped and he almost didn't believe it. He remembered his first teacher to call him by male pronouns, how it was never even a question. How suddenly the names and the insults and the punches and the yelling and the periods and everything _just stopped_._

_His uncle was unsatisfied with his school however. He wanted Aiichirou to be with people who would only ever know him by male pronouns. He had quite the network of friends, and remembered a couple with a son attending Samezuka Academy. It was a stretch financially, but they made it work._

_Mikoshiba, the captain of the swim team, let him join the team. He was the first person Aiichirou's age to whole heartedly support him. Aiichirou made it clear he would only join if Mikoshiba promised not to tell anyone. Mikoshiba promptly broke that promise when he told a new transfer student, and Aiichirou was so glad he did._

_Matsuoka Rin was to room with him. Aiichirou remembered this boy, and what a man he'd grown into. Mikoshiba explained Rin had been on a team in Australia with another FTM. Aiichirou could share a room with another boy. He could be _normal_. He could be _safe_._ ]]

* * *

He'd done this before. Needle in one hand, thigh muscle pinched in the other. He'd done it before, and he'd done it all by himself! Aiichirou's hand shook as he moved the needle towards his thigh.

"You've done this before!" he whispered, pressing his lips together in concentration. He moved the needle closer.

"You can do it, Aiichirou!" he said, needle just barely touching his skin.

A tremor ran through his hand. He whined, leaned back, let go of his thigh. He could see frustrated tears blurring his vision, which only made him angrier. He'd been through nearly an entire grade on his own, so darnit why did this have to be so hard!?

Aiichirou took a deep breath, scrubbing at his eyes. If he didn't hurry up, Rin would surely get suspicious. He pinched his thigh muscle once again, forcing himself to take a slow breath. The air seemed to stick in his throat, and soon enough he was coughing and choking and the angry tears were back, but his hot tears froze when a heavy hand banged on the door.

"Nitori?" Rin's muffled voice asked. "What's wrong?"

"N-N-Nothing!" he yelled. "I-I'll be out in a minute, I'm sorry!" he said. A few moments of silence passed and Aiichirou started to believe Rin had left. To his horror, the door knob turned and Rin walked in.

"Yeah, no, sorry I'm pretty sure I heard you crying. What-" Rin stilled as he noticed the needle in Aiichirou's hand. His face went from blank to positively furious like the flip of a switch. Aiichirou flinched, drawing his arms up to cover his face as Rin swung his fist, snatching the needle right out of his hand. It took Aiichirou a moment to realize his medication had been swiped. He looked around frantically, finding it in his senpai's hand.

"S-Senpai, I need that!" he yelled, jumping onto his feet on the cold tile, and reaching for the needle.

"No way." Rin growled, holding it out of Aiichirou's reach.

Aiichirou had his hand pressed against Rin's chest. He was jumping and yelling, absolutely _panicked_.

"P-P-Please senpai! That is very important! I need it to stay here!" Aiichirou nearly screamed, his voice cracking. Rin seemed to consider this. He lowered the hand that held the needle, not letting Aiichirou take it, but indicating he was listening. Aiichirou was breathing hard, small tremors running through him. He pressed his hands to his chest and fell back onto the toilet seat.

"It's testosterone." He said, holding his hand out. Rin scrunched his brows.

"Testosterone?" he said, giving the barrel a funny look before placing it carefully in his roommate's open hand. Rin searched Aiichirou's eyes for answers, which he apparently found. "Oh! Oh fuck, Nitori, sorry." He said, shaking his head slowly, running a hand through his long hair. "I'd actually forgotten you're trans." He let out a breath of laughter, slid down the wall opposite Aiichirou, bringing his knees up and letting them fall outward. Aiichirou breathed a sigh of relief. "You hide it too well."

"I prefer it that way." He said, letting the needle rest in his two open hands.

"So why were you crying?" Rin asked nonchalantly. Aiichirou blushed.

"T-To be honest I was frustrated." He said, hesitantly looking up from the needle to his senpai. Rin nodded his head, encouraging him to continue. "I've…done this plenty of times before. But today…"

"Do you need help?" Rin asked.

"No! Nonono! No I can do it, its okay!" Aiichirou answered quickly, shaking his head from side to side animatedly. Rin frowned.

"Okay, so do it then." He gestured to the needle. Aiichirou looked down at the needle in his hands and felt his heart stutter back to nervous life. Why in the world was he so anxious today?

Aiichirou got in the position, just as he had earlier. And, just as he had earlier, couldn't bring himself to push the needle in. Rin sighed.

"Come on." Rin made a motion for Aiichirou to part his legs. Aiichirou couldn't help the horror that crept into his eyes or the shaking of his head, pressing his knees closer together. Rin was obviously suprised, but nodded, moved to the side and put his hand on Aiichirou's thigh. "So show me how to do it."

Aiichirou was a bit dizzy because _senpai is touching me oh god his hand is on my bare thigh OH GOD_- He took a deep breath, grabbed a new cotton ball and soaked it in rubbing alcohol. He took his sweet time disinfecting his skin again, teetering on the edge of _he's touching me IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE_ and _if he doesn't move his hand I'M GOING TO START CRYING AGAIN_. His hand was shaking again by the time he'd thrown the cotton ball away, nearly missing the trash can. He shared a moment of eye contact with Rin, then, pinched his thigh like so many other times that morning.

"I already have the testosterone drawn. A-All I have to do is…pinch here. And-and stick it-" Aiichirou squeaked as Rin layered his hand over the hand that held the needle. "S-Senpai?"

"Yeah?" he asked, looking distracted.

"W-What are you doing!" Aiichirou squeaked.

"Helping you take your shot." He shrugged.

"Yes but you're-b-b-but you're-!"

"Done." Rin smiled, pulling out the needle that he'd stuck in his roommate's leg while he was babbling. He looked quite proud of himself.

"Wha-"

"Where does this go?" Rin asked with a quirked eyebrow. Aiichirou pointed to the medical waste bin he kept tucked away in the corner of the bathroom, his mouth just slightly agape. He had to blink several times before he remembered to snap his mouth closed and grab a cotton ball to wipe up the tiny bead of blood over the injection site.

Aiichirou just barely caught Rin's sleeve before he left the room. Rin met his eyes, offered him a kind smile. Aiichirou could feel the blush burning through his cheeks, but he returned the smile.

"Thank you, Rin-senpai."

"Anytime you need help, just ask. It's no problem." Rin shrugged Aiichirou's hand away and shut the bathroom door, leaving the boy alone with his thoughts.

* * *

Aiichirou is the only one on the swim team to wear a top in the pool. No one's ever bothered to ask why, and the only two people who_ know_ why don't care to tell them. Aiichirou was always grateful for Mikoshiba's support. If anyone else were captain, Aiichirou didn't think he would have been allowed on the team.

"First years, line up!" Mikoshiba's enthusiastic voice boomed through the room. Aiichirou jumped. Rin hadn't quite finished his last lap and Mikoshiba was giving him a look, but seemed to be waiting for the boys to finish up. Aiichirou handed Rin a towel, ripped off his track jacket, and jumped onto the nearest platform. Mikoshiba might have been rolling his eyes, but no one was looking, so who could really say.

Rin pulled his towel around his shoulders, catching his breath as he watched Aiichirou dive in.

Rin couldn't help noticing how forced Aiichirou's strokes were. Purposeful and strong, but forced. His brow furrowed, the tips of his teeth peeking out from under his open lips. Hspotted it as Aiichirou made his turn. Rin turned his head as he noticed Mikoshiba approaching, sighed, looked back towards the pool.

"His binder." Rin said. Mikoshiba hummed.

"Doesn't look too comfortable, huh?" Mikoshiba said, holding his whistle carefully.

"But he's not much slower than any of the other first years." Rin said, crossing his arms. Mikoshiba hummed again, blew his whistle, shouted for four more laps.

"Does it hurt him?" Rin asked, turning to look at Mikoshiba. "Do you know?"

"He says it doesn't, but I don't entirely believe him." Mikoshiba said. "Maybe you should ask him about it sometime."

Mikoshiba returned to standing at the head of the center lane, shouting encouragement to the struggling first years. Rin could see, though Aiichirou was not the fastest, he was by no means the most worn out, and his pace had remained steady. Whatever restriction his binder put on him was made up through pure force of will.

The upperclassmen had been released from practice, but Rin couldn't take his eyes away from Aiichirou. Without a word, he made a decision. He quickly picked up his and Aiichirou's jackets and went to stand in front of Aiichirou's lane. He pulled his jacket on slowly, draping Aiichirou's over his arm. When Aiichirou hit the end of his last lap, for the very first time, Rin was there waiting for him.

"Good work, Ai." He said, holding his hand out. Aiichirou was breathing hard and flustered and hesitated to take Rin's hand. Rin rolled his eyes and grabbed the boy's hand roughly, helping to pull him out of the pool.

"Th-Thank you, Rin." He said, a tooth ache of a smile lighting up his tired face. Rin furrowed his brow, bit down on his tongue, shoved his hands in his jacket pockets.

"Let's go." He said, taking long strides towards the locker room. Aiichirou quickly followed, matching Rin's pace.

Aiichirou was always slow to undress when they didn't stay after practice. The locker room would be full of boys, men in his eyes. It makes him feel small and scared. His heart quivered as he pressed his towel into his hair. Sometimes Rin waited with him, sometimes he didn't. Neither situation was very fun. He didn't have the luxury of undressing in public, no matter how confident he was of himself (which is to say, not very confident at all). He simply would never risk it.

Half of the boys had already left. Aiichirou was a bit worried when Rin didn't start yelling at him to hurry up. He glanced around just as Rin came out of a bathroom stall, quirking an eyebrow at his friend.

"Take your time or whatever." Rin shrugged, settling on the bench next to his friend. He almost looked _shy_. Aiichirou was terribly confused, but nodded.

"O-Okay." He said, taking a seat on the bench. "Sorry." He said, eyes on his hands resting in his lap. Rin shook his head.

"You shouldn't let me rush you." He said, a soft glare in his eyes. "Of course you have to wait."

Aiichirou's heart was drumming against his chest. He hopped up to check the stalls, if only to hide his blushing cheeks, happy to see one was finally open. He turned on his heel, grabbing his clean clothes and telling Rin to wait just a moment. He locked himself in the stall and started wrestling with his binder, the water making it stick and pull at him. He ripped it off with a warm sigh and let it fall to the floor. Making quick work of undressing, drying, and redressing was a practiced skill and nothing less.

First, a thorough pat down with the towel to ensure he was as dry as possible. Second, underwear. Third, binder. Fourth, compression shorts. Third, shorts. Fifth, secure belt. Sixth, shirt. He went through the motions on auto pilot, going as fast as he could manage. Dressing, he thought, should be a sport all on it's own. Just that had him breathing hard even as he left the stall. When he opened the door, Rin was the only one left, still sitting on the bench.

Aiichirou approached slowly, eyes low and skittering around nervously. "I'm ready." He said.

"You wanna get some coffee?" Rin asked, eyes snapping up to Aiichirou's. He was a bit intimidating when trying to be kind, but Aiichirou had begun to recognize the kindness Rin was fond of hiding.

"I'd love to!" he said. Rin would have sworn Aiichirou's smiles could rot someone's teeth right out of their head, they were just that sweet.

"Then let's go." He said, pushing himself up onto his feet.

They walked, weaving through the bustling city under a setting sun. Aiichirou glanced at Rin. His senpai looked quite pensive. Aiichirou found himself making up all sorts of scenarios that could be bothering Rin, but none of them seemed right. It couldn't be his fault could it?

The warm air of the Starbucks pulled their chilled bodies in, enveloping them in the smell of coffee and chatter of other customers. They made their orders, took their warm coffee, found a table. Aiichirou could feel the guilt festering deep in his mind, upsetting his stomach and shocking his fingertips. He had to say something!

"R-Rin-senpai, I'm sorry." He said from behind his coffee cup. Rin's eyes shot up, his face looked almost disgusted.

"What?"

"I-I'm sorry, I'm not sure what I did but I promise I didn't mean to!"

"Aiichirou." He sighed. "No, shut up, you're not the problem." He said, taking a drink of his coffee. They'd both gotten pumpkin spice because, why not, and it was a heavenly touch on Rin's temper and Aiichirou's perpetually frayed nerves.

"What's bothering you then…?" Aiichirou asked, pressing his cold fingers around his cup. Rin pressed his lips together, looked to the side, then back at Aiichirou.

"Does your binder hurt you?" he asked, then quickly retracted. "You don't have to answer that." He took another sip of his coffee. Aiichirou smiled, shaking his head.

"No it doesn't hurt unless I wear it for too long." He said, but his smile dropped a little and his eyebrows fell. "Well, my binder is a bit old. It's kind of hard to move in now, but I don't practice nearly as much as you. So no! It really doesn't hurt!" he said cheerfully. Rin looked a little less than convinced, but he accepted Aiichirou's answer.

"Just. Take care of yourself, alright?" Rin said, making sure to look Aiichirou in the eyes.

"Oh, okay. I'll try." He said, eyes darting from side to side, shy smile.

"No that's not good enough!" Rin growled, making Aiichirou jump a little. Rin took a deep breath. "You _have_ to take care of yourself, okay? _Say it with me_."

"S-Senpai I'm not-"

"Say it with me goddammit! _You have to take care of yourself_!"

"_I-I have to take care of myself_!"

Aiichirou pressed his fingertips to his lips, muffling a small giggle. Sometimes, he felt like Rin didn't care at all. Sometimes he wondered why he let himself feel how he does towards his senpai. Then Rin did something like this, and Aiichirou knew. He knew it was because Rin made him happy and loved and _safe_.

"Can I tell you something…?" he asked, eyes anywhere but Rin.

"Of course." Rin said, confusion apparent in his voice. Aiichirou felt like he was shrinking. Like his voice was still too high, hands too delicate, chest too large. He slumped in his chair, quickly checking that his chest was hidden, which it was.

"I threw my race." He said.

"You did _what_?" Rin leaned in, trying to catch Aiichirou's eyes, but couldn't seem to get low enough.

"It was hard enough to get permission to attend Samezuka as a male. The only reason I'm on the swim team is because Captain is a family friend." He shrugged his shoulders, he felt sick. "I was afraid of what the officials would do if I placed in my event. So I made sure I didn't win." He lifted his head, putting on a weak smile. "But it was still really fun!"

Aiichirou was amazed to see Rin looked absolutely_ hurt_. His eyes were wide, eyebrows pinched together, mouth slightly open. He slumped back in his chair, took a sip of his coffee.

"You shouldn't have thrown your race." He said, a slight pout in his bottom lip. "You can't give up like that." He said. Aiichirou took a long sip of coffee, trying to think of what to say.

"It just wasn't worth it. I don't mind really." He said, smile as sweet as ever. Rin still had hurt in his eyes, but he didn't respond.

"We should get back to the dorms." He said, getting up, holding his hand out for Aiichirou's empty coffee cup. Rin threw their cups away and soon they were back in the night air, on their way back to Samezuka.

Rin was quiet that night, but only in his mouth. He wouldn't tell Aiichirou all the things going through his mind, or the sticky as fuck guilt gumming up all his thoughts. Aiichirou had been dealing with this while Rin had been throwing tantrums and only making things _harder_ for him. He wanted to give Aiichirou the confidence he deserved, but that wasn't something anyone could give.

Rin let himself smile however, because confidence was something that could be learned, and he knew just the boy to give those lessons. Rin sat at his desk, glanced up at Aiichirou. He'd fallen asleep not long after they'd gotten back, his back expanding and falling steadily. Rin was worried, but he promised himself he would protect Aiichirou. Everything would be alright.

* * *

_Author's Notes-_

First chapter wooo I felt like there was a lot of stuff to pack in this first chapter, and the chapters to come should be longer and a touch slower. Hope you enjoyed! I have literally the entire fic planned out, and I PLAN to update every week, meaning next Sunday or Monday chapter 2 should be out. Until then, have fun, be safe, and OH-

I am in fact FTM, if anyone out there has any questions or needs resources you are welcome to ask me either here or on tumblr [foxygrampaglasses . tumblr . com].

**_-FoxyGrampaGlasses_**


	2. Deep South's Better With a Sweater

**CHAPTER 2 - _Deep South's Better With a Sweater_**

* * *

"We're gonna be late, Ai." Rin said, lazy frown on his lips as he leaned against the wall. Loud banging and rustling could be heard from their bathroom as Aiichirou wrestled with his clothes. He'd fallen asleep after classes and now he was making Rin late for swim practice. His soft hands gripped his swim binder harder than was strictly necessary and he did his best to ignore the grating of the rough fabric against his bare skin.

"I won't be!" Aiichirou shouted as he burst out of the bathroom. He ran straight out of the dorm, grabbing his shoes on the way but not stopping to put them on. Rin yelled after him, but Aiichirou couldn't hear him over his own laughter. He wondered how rude it would be to have made Rin wait for him, then leave him to lock the door and force him to chase him down. He made it to the end of the hall before planting his bare feet firm on the dormitory's fine carpet, quickly pressing naked feet into his worn out shoes.

It was so blessedly normal. Aiichirou couldn't help the giggles bubbling up in his throat. It just made him so utterly _happy_. In these moments, he could feel the sway of fabric on his skin. He could taste the air in his mouth. He could press his weight into the ground and simply be alive. All the nagging thoughts of _is my chest flat enough_ or _do they know_ or _is it safe to use the bathroom_ went silent, completely left his mind. It was replaced with a calm that Aiichirou very rarely felt.

When he was with Rin, he felt free.

He straightened his spine and jumped when a breath ghosted over his neck. Aiichirou let out a scream, spinning on his heal and stumbling backwards a few steps.

Rin looked pleased with his revenge, pressed his finger against the mole under Aiichirou's left eye.

"Such a _brat_." He rolled his eyes, pulling his hand away just as Aiichirou's skin began to heat up. "I mean, what a dirty trick. You know for a fact I can run faster than you. Nice try though." he waved goodbye to Aiichirou with an endearing smile, feet falling into a perfect sprint carrying him to the pool.

"Ah-senpaiii!" Aiichirou yelled, reaching for the body that was already long gone. It was all too true. Aiichirou just wasn't very fast. His shoulders dropped with a tired sigh. He had been so close to beating his senpai for the first time. He knew he really would be late if he didn't get a move on, though, so he ran through the dormitory's main entrance and followed Rin's path.

The air was cold and crisp, carrying the distinct smell of fall. The sun was still high in the sky, but Aiichirou knew it wouldn't stay there for much longer as the days got shorter and shorter. When he finally made it to the pool's double doors, he was breathing hard, the sun having left a kaleidoscope of colors shimmering over his field of vision.

His fingertips only brushed the door when he heard the voices of the Iwatobi boys echoing through the metal. Aiichirou hesitated, his hand falling slightly. He knew each boy by name, and even a bit about their personalities.

Haruka acted disinterested, but his eyes gave him away every time. Makoto was too friendly for words. Nagisa was the only boy shorter than him, but was by no means a small person in voice or emotion. Rei had the most unshakeable confidence he'd ever seen in a swimmer who couldn't swim. They were a perfectly blended rainbow of characters, completed only by his hot-headed senpai.

Aiichirou absolutely adored the smile Rin wore around his friends these days, but he also couldn't ignore the dull aching sadness deep in his chest. He wanted Rin to smile like that for _him_. He wanted Rin to smile _with him_. But Rin was a brilliant red and Aiichirou was a washed out grey. He had no right to stand among such bright colors, even if they allowed it. He pushed his face into a polite smile as easily as he pushed open the door.

"-Ai-chan." Nagisa giggled. Aiichirou's cheeks flushed, eyes wide and fixed on the group of boys gathered around the side of the pool. '_Are they talking about me?'_

"S-Shut the fuck up Nagisa!" Rin yelled, making a move to push Nagisa into the pool if only to see the boy flinch.

"Shh, Nagisa!" Makoto tried to whisper, but his nervous voice cracked and his poorly hidden pointing finger was all too obvious. Aiichirou frowned, face flushed red, shoulders hunched and eyes darting around the many tiles on the floor.

His back was turned and disappearing behind the locker room door before Rin could turn around. He found his locker, the bustling of the other swimmers muted in his mind. He checked to make sure he had a change of clothes, shoved his jacket inside, grabbed two towels. He shut the locker door gently. His heart was still beating against his chest. '_They were talking about me.'_

The production of fear from curiosity was a perfect self-sustaining system and Aiichirou could feel his mind spiraling out of control. They probably hadn't even been talking about him, he'd just heard half a word. Or perhaps they had been talking about a different Ai? It wasn't the most uncommon name. Or maybe they were all asking Rin about him. Maybe they'd noticed how Aiichirou clung to their friend. Maybe they were tired of always having to include him.

Aiichirou forced a slow breath, and with towels pressed over his chest, left the locker room. He knew he was likely to let all of his thoughts spill free and the more he thought the more ridiculous nonsense he'd end up telling Rin.

Rin was already in the pool, pushing his way through the water. A stopwatch seemed to fall out of thin air and Aiichirou nearly fell in the pool catching it. He looked around, everyone busy except-

Nagisa flashed him a bright smile and a peace sign from where he was bent over on one of the starting platforms, and just like that dived in. Aiichirou didn't have time to ponder if Nagisa was friend or foe, however.

As always Rin called his name and Aiichirou ran to his lane, naked feet pitter pattering on the hard floor. He gasped a small 'oh', held up his index finger to Rin apologetically, and dashed to get the clipboard hanging on the wall in the locker room. Rin was impatient by the time he returned, but in a subdued kind of way.

"Ready?" he asked, leaning his elbow on the edge of the pool.

"Ready!" Aiichirou smiled holding the stopwatch above his head. Rin pulled himself out of the pool and got set up on the platform. Aiichirou pinched his brows together, watching carefully.

His dive was a pin prick in the water's surface. Aiichirou always felt his muscles tense as Rin did his laps, as if he could somehow give him what little strength he had. His mind went quiet, eyes shifting between Rin's blurred figure and the stop watch in his hand.

Joint practice days were mostly for the Iwatobi team which lacked an indoor pool, so they were given priority over the home team. Most of the Samezuka team left them to it, hanging around the edges of the room. Aiichirou was vaguely aware of Captain Mikoshiba's animated voice chatting away with Gou-chan.

"No fair!" Nagisa popped up from under the water, giving Aiichirou a fright bad enough that he almost accidentally turned the stop watch off. "I wish I had someone to time my laps."

"I-I'm sorry Nagisa-kun, if you wait for Rin-senpai to finish I'm sure I can find someone to-"

"No that's okay!" Nagisa waved his hand dismissively. He just stayed there, bobbing slightly in the water, a big smile stuck on his face. Aiichirou looked away, then back, his toes curling.

"O-Okay, if you're sure." He said, glancing back at Rin.

Aiichirou's thumb pressed down on the stop watch just as Rin hit the end of his laps, gasping for breath through the spaces in his sharp teeth. It was a mutual thing now, Rin reaching his broad hand for Aiichirou and Aiichirou grasping thin fingers around it. But Aiichirou could feel Nagisa's eyes on them and a blush crept up the back of his neck as Rin got on his feet.

Rin took his towel from where it was draped over Aiichirou's arm. Aiichirou watched him, Rin's chest rising and falling harshly as he caught his breath. Nagisa was still lazing on the edge of the pool, letting out a loud hum of approval.

"Looking good Rin-chan!" he laughed. Rin shot him a glare, but it was more of a challenge than a threat. Somehow, Aiichirou felt like he was missing some inside joke.

"Maybe if you actually practiced you could look half as good as me, huh?" Rin squinted, lips pursed. Nagisa just laughed harder.

"Probably!" he shook his head, ignoring a very pointed glare Rei was shooting him from the next lane over.

Aiichirou sighed a small breath of relief as Nagisa got up on his platform and went back to practicing. Rin looked exhausted. Aiichirou's lips parted, questions balancing on his tongue before irreversibly falling into the open air.

"Are you alright Senpai? Maybe you should take a break, did you get enough sleep last night?" he asked, worry apparent in his quivering blue eyes. Rin slid his eyes from Nagisa to Aiichirou, frowned.

"I'm fine. What about _you_?" He asked, snatching the clipboard and stopwatch from Aiichirou.

"Wha-I'm fine." He said, hands in the air aimlessly without anything to hold.

"Good, then why don't you give me 500 meters." He said, flipping to a clean page in the clipboard. Aiichirou shook his head slowly. "I know you can do it, I've seen you do way more than that." Rin said, eyes focused on the clipboard. Aiichirou pressed his lips together in a thin line and nodded.

He stretched his arms upward, trying to get a feel for the pull of his binder. It always seemed different every day, and never got any easier. Rin was watching now though, _expecting_. Aiichirou could do it, and he'd do it _well_ just for Rin.

As soon as the water washed over his ears and pushed against him, Aiichirou knew something was not quite right. The push and pull was quickly devolving into a harsh drag, seams grinding against soft flesh. But the water was calming and washed the rest of the world away. Aiichirou couldn't find his worry, it was lost in the current he was creating with his body.

His arms didn't quite fold right as he made his turn. '_For Rin, do it well for Rin he's watching you, you have Rin's attention don't waste it.'_ Something inside him was falling apart. Somewhere in his mind he was scared. Somewhere in his heart he was panicking. Each stroke scratched more than the last. Aiichirou caught a mouthful of water as he went under and realized, it wasn't something inside falling apart, it was _his binder_.

The seams burst open as he surfaced through the stroke. The water stung his eyes and chest. His hands searched frantically for the edge of the pool, able to find it despite his tightly shut eyes and water soaked lungs. In his coughing fit, he found the hard edge of the pool with his forehead, and even though his eyes were closed it felt like the world was spinning. He pulled himself up, resting his forearms on the edge of the pool.

The room was oddly silent as his coughing lessened. Aiichirou cracked his eyes open. His head ached, his chest burned, the light was blinding. A room full of wide eyed, gaping swimmers came into focus. Aiichirou rubbed at his eyes, looked from side to side, looked down at himself. His blood turned ice cold as horror crept into his heart. Everyone could see his bare chest. Everyone was _staring_ at his _bare chest_.

He didn't even hear the scream that burst from his lips before he pushed himself under the water, arms crossed over his chest protectively. _'They saw.'_ Aiichirou let out a gasp, air bubbles rising to the surface. His back hit the bottom of the pool, but he refused to move. _'They all saw they all know what I am.'_ His shoulders started shaking, tiny bubbles of air leaving him. He knew he needed air, but he couldn't bring himself to face the men above him.

And then strong hands were grabbing at him, pulling him up.

"Get a _fucking_ towel!" Rin yelled, his voice ringing in Aiichirou's ears. His shoulders shook even more now that he could gasp in air. He could hear the beat of feet running against the hard flooring fade and return. The swimmers must have finally found their wits, chatter broke out among them.

"Captain, is it just me or does Nitori-_chan_ have _boobs?_" one boy asked. Aiichirou's eyes shot up, wide, filled with pure terror as he stared at this boy that had once been a friendly teammate. His face was blurred by big, hot tears that rolled smoothly down his cheek and mixed with cool pool water. He hiccupped uncontrollably, jaw chattering, his entire being shaking.

"You shut your _disrespectful mouth_ and _get out of here_." Mikoshiba sneered. The swimmers jumped, quickly gathered their things, and filed into the locker room. Mikoshiba was enthusiastic, but he rarely showed outright anger at his team. Gou-chan looked particularly upset and unsure of what to do with herself. Under the pitter patter of their feet, Aiichirou recognized Nagisa's whining voice.

"Haru-Haru-_what happened_? Makoto? _Reiiii_? I missed it!" Nagisa cried.

"You guys too. Get the hell out." Mikoshiba said, pointing his thumb to the locker room. He glanced at Gou-chan, whispering an apology.

"But-!"

"Stop it, Nagisa." Rei chided, leading the smaller boy away from the pool.

Haruka caught Rin's eyes with one of those looks that said he knew more than he was saying, which was nothing at all. Aiichirou shared a passing glance with Rei and Makoto, both boys looking perplexed but sympathetic.

Aiichirou couldn't stop crying. Not after everyone had left. Not after Rin and Mikoshiba lifted him out of the pool and wrapped a large towel around his shoulders. Rin's hands around his shoulders were a god send keeping him upright. He swayed in his senpai's grasp, but he was held firm and didn't once fall while both Rin and Mikoshiba walked him silently back to the dorms.

Aiichirou focused on the tiniest movements in Rin's hand as he unlocked their dorm room, his tears calming but body still hit with nervous shaking. Mikoshiba handed him the change of clothes that had been in his locker and squeezed his shoulder.

"Can you get dressed?" Mikoshiba asked, voice uncharacteristically gentle. Aiichirou opened his mouth to respond, but could feel tears welling in his eyes again. He bit down and nodded, locking himself in the bathroom.

His hands were shaking horribly as he let the towel drop to the floor. His binder hung off his hips, torn down both sides and just barely held together by the bottom seam. Aiichirou's lips quivered, his jaw ached, but he held the tears back. His arms felt far too heavy and as he attempted to remove his binder the last few stitches ripped.

He stood there, a panel of binding spandex in each hand. He felt huge. Too big for his skin. As if his soul were pushing and pressing against his physical body, trying desperately to mold it into the right shape. A few lone tears slipped down his face. He'd spent his entire life trying to bend himself into the right shape, and what good that had done him.

He was a photo that couldn't be seen, only described. He depended on the words of others to carry his image, because somehow he was not a reliable source for his own being. He spent his life being invisible and thank god for that. He never wanted to be seen through eyes that were painting their own portraits of him. And how much it _hurt_ to know that he was being seen for the first time, yet not one pair of eyes had met his.

He felt like his head was full of cotton balls. Everything was numb and painful all at the same time.

Aiichirou pulled on his everyday binder over a worn out undershirt. He thought about keeping the door locked, refusing to come out, but he wanted nothing more than those strong hands back around him. So he struggled to get his binder on, pulled a light yellow polo over it, shorts over his shaking legs. He pressed his hand flat against the door, then his forehead. He flinched away from the pain that flared there, remembered how he'd hit his head. His hand slid away, he opened the door.

Mikoshiba and Rin were sitting on the bottom bunk, waiting for Aiichirou. Mikoshiba got up, gesturing for Aiichirou to take his place. Aiichirou couldn't look either of them in the eye. He couldn't even hear them, everything sounded so far away. Only Rin's fingers, brushing back his bangs, could bring the world back into focus.

"You hit your head pretty hard, Ai. Are you okay?" he asked, gently prodding at the edges of swelling skin. Aiichirou nodded, face blank, eyes stuck on the floor. Mikoshiba sighed loudly, disappearing into the bathroom for a moment. Aiichirou hesitantly took the open spot next to Rin on the edge of his bed.

Mikoshiba returned and knelt in front of Aiichirou, rubbing alcohol in one hand and cotton ball in the other. He was as gentle as could be, but Aiichirou still flinched away, still felt his breath hitch.

"Just a little more." He assured with a soft smile. Aiichirou ground his teeth together, resolved not to cry anymore. Mikoshiba leaned back slowly. "There, done." He said, tossing the dirty cotton ball. He pressed his hands over his knees and pushed himself up onto his feet.

"I will be having a talk with the team tomorrow." He said, arms crossed. "I'm sure the school will hear about this, though. Nitori, be prepared to deal with that." He sighed, glancing at Rin. He leaned over to the boy, "Take care of him, alright?" he whispered. Rin nodded.

The click of Mikoshiba shutting their door seemed to echo on for minutes. Aiichirou was absolutely still, knowing if he so much as breathed out of sync he'd be sobbing again.

"It's okay, Ai." Rin said. Aiichirou's eyes shot up to his senpai's, he could already feel tears welling. "Guys show their naked chests all the time, it's no big deal."

Rin could see even as he was saying it what a shitty thing that was to say. He tried to grab Aiichirou's shoulder, but the boy had stumbled onto his feet. This was the very first time Rin had ever seen true anger in his friend's eyes.

"No big _deal?"_ he screeched, fists balled tight. "That-The entire swim team! _They all saw_!" he said, backing up towards the door when Rin stood up. "I was finally living as a real male and now I can't do that anymore and you think that's _no big deal?"_ he was yelling, tears streaming down his face. He'd never been angry at Rin before, and he probably never would be again. He felt like he couldn't get enough air, like he was still back at the pool naked while his teammates mocked him. His hands were over his chest, trying to hide what was already covered.

"Ai, no that's-that's not what I meant-" Rin tried to reason with him, but Aiichirou couldn't hear him.

"Leave me alone!" he yelled, jerking their door open and slamming it shut after him.

His feet were pounding against the earth before he knew it. The world was a blur of red darkening to purple, the tiniest sprinkle of starts starting to shine. He ran to the courtyard of the campus, knowing he'd need to go back. Being caught out after curfew would only make this situation so much worse for him. What would the teachers even say about him when they heard about this?

He prayed to any god that might listen to his small crying heart that maybe the heavy breathing could drowned out the fear and pain pulsing through him.

He stopped near a tree, bending over himself, breathing hard. He kept wiping at his eyes, but couldn't seem to dry the tears and his face began to feel raw. Even now, as he fell down onto hard concrete and scrubbed at his face, he could feel the guilt of yelling at Rin building. He gave up on wiping the tears and just pressed his fists to his eyes.

Rin was supposed to be his safety in this world. Would that change now that he'd yelled at him? Aiichirou had no idea where he should be if not by Rin's side. He couldn't think of a single place that felt safer to him, even if he believed he didn't belong there. He had wanted away from Rin's nonsensical comfort that hurt more than it helped, but at the same time all he needed was to be with Rin.

Aiichirou sniffed loudly, his nose stuffed. He could cry all night, but the sun had set and a slight breeze was chilling him. He shivered, pulling his arms around himself. He didn't want to move. Maybe he could just stay here all night. Maybe he'd freeze to death.

"Nitori?"

Aiichirou's body tensed as he heard his name, fingernails digging into his palms. He slowly turned his head. Under the light of a lamppost was one of the boys from the swim team. Aiichirou's stomach churned.

"Hey, Nitori, it is you! What was that at practice huh?" he asked, stepping out of the light and coming to Aiichirou's side. Aiichirou shook his head frantically, words stuck in his throat. No no he couldn't deal with this right now. He sprang to his feet, ready to run, but the boy was persistent.

"Hey-wait Nitori!" he said, catching the boy's shoulder. "No I mean, I didn't mean to find you here, but I'm _really_ curious. Like, what's going on with you?" he asked. Aiichirou thought for a split second the boy was trying to be supportive, but that was a dream crushed all too quickly.

"I mean-what's it look like? You know-" his eyes raked down and back up Aiichirou's body. "Down there?" he asked. Aiichirou pulled his shoulder away from the boy, a tight glare on his face.

"I won't talk about that." He said, bursting into a run before the boy could respond. He ran without looking, ran without listening, ran straight into another body.

Aiichirou cried out as they fell onto the concrete. Hands grabbed his flailing wrists, he panicked. This was it. The entire swim team was after him. This was how he would die this was-

"Aiichirou!" Rin's gruff voice shattered his panic. Aiichirou looked down to find Rin underneath him, holding his wrists, looking incredibly frazzled. Rin drew in a slow breath, sighed loudly. Aiichirou relaxed as Rin gently let go of his wrists. "I was worried." He explained as Aiichirou got up and off him. He couldn't help it, Aiichirou was beyond relieved. His heart calmed, shoulders relaxed. He was safe again.

"I'm s-"

"Don't you dare apologize." Rin shot him a warning glare.

"But I-"

"Have_ nothing_ to apologize for, you got that?" his frown deepened. Aiichirou wanted to argue, but the look on Rin's face and the aching in his head stopped him. Rin smiled, small, almost timid. Just like earlier that day, all of his fears were washed away in the safety that Rin gave him.

Rin walked Aiichirou back to their dorm under the stars, enveloped in silence. How funny it would have been if they'd known they were both thinking the same thing.

"_I wish I could hold his hand."_

And how funny it was that no hands were held that night.

* * *

_Author's Notes-_

Updating early yaaaay! I still haven't gotten my uniform for work, so I won't start until next Tuesday. Which means free time to keep updating this fic at rapid speed! Now, I don't know how Japan works as well as America cause America is where I live. I did clash with my school over transgender rights, and if you wanna hear that rather long and angry story, shoot me a question on tumblr [foxygrampaglasses . tumblr . com]. It could be nice to know as I'm drawing heavily from my own experience for this fic, but I'll try to stay away from misrepresenting how Japan works in that regard (cause I have no idea).

Things are hard right now! But do not fret! Happy is coming. Promise.

_**-FoxyGrampaGlasses**_


	3. West Coast Sunsets

**CHAPTER 3 - _West Coast Sunsets_**

* * *

Aiichirou was slow to wake up the next morning. Rin was quiet, though that wasn't terribly unusual. Aiichirou usually made up for Rin's silence, but today ghostly quiet rang in the boys' ears.

Aiichirou didn't want to deal with the day. He kept his head buried in his pillows. Maybe he just wouldn't go to class. He could curl up under the sheets and stay safe and sound.

He'd have to quit the swim team.

Aiichirou's stomach clenched. Swimming was the only thing that drowned out the constant paranoia in his head, and now that was ruined. Aiichirou curled his knees up to his chest.

"Ai?" Rin whispered. Aiichirou felt a warm hand on his shoulder. It didn't matter how much he wanted that hand to stay, he still flinched away from it. "Come on get up." Rin said, withdrawing his hand. Aiichirou tugged the blankets over his head.

"I'm not going to class today, senpai. Don't wait for me." he said through the sheets. He wasn't sure of Rin's response, or if there was any at all.

Nearly an hour had passed by the time Aiichirou pulled back his blankets and opened his eyes. His stomach growled but he wasn't hungry. He rolled onto his back, stretched his arms and legs long. He felt...he wasn't sure what. Numb? Removed. Far away. He glanced at the door. He could get lunch. But what was waiting out there?

He never did leave his dorm room. It was so much easier just to stay in this space he knew was kind and he could be alone. The only downside to the quiet was the gaping space it left in his mind for worry and doubt. What had the swim team told everyone. The principle wasn't the least supportive, but he wouldn't go out of his way to defend Aiichirou. There was a very real possibility that he could be expelled.

It took more energy than an entire day's swim practice, but Aiichirou eventually forced himself up and out of bed. He wobbled over to his messy desk and fell into his chair. Shuffling around the drawers, he located his small stash of junk food saved just for an occasion like this when he felt too shitty to find decent food.

He played games on his phone, doodled on some notes, sent an e-mail to his uncle, munched away on junk food that was probably only making him feel worse. The day was slow and agonizing and Aiichirou started to feel like he'd been locked away, and the warden was his own fear. He'd skipped classes today, what in the world would he do tomorrow?

The sound of the door opening seemed so loud that Aiichirou nearly broke his neck with how fast he turned his head. Rin shut the door behind him, threw his bag under his desk. His eyes slowly found Aiichirou's.

"You didn't even change." He frowned. Aiichirou looked down at himself. He was indeed still in his pajamas and-

Aiichirou squeaked, quickly hunching forward so the large t-shirt he was wearing would hang flat with the help of gravity. He didn't even think about Rin coming home and seeing him. He probably wouldn't have minded Rin seeing, but having his bare chest on display for the entire swim team had made him horribly sensitive. He felt fragile. Not even Rin was safe enough.

"Aiichirou!" Rin growled, frown deepening. "You don't have to hide from me. You _know_ that."

"I-I'm sorry, senpai." He said, his fists curling around the fabric of his shirt. Rin looked like he'd been slapped in the face. He looked _sad_.

"...Ai?" He asked softly.

"...senpai?" Aiichirou answered. Rin's lips drew back down into a fierce frown.

"Fine. Whatever. Sulk here all day, I don't care." He said, but his anger didn't stick and his words lacked their usual bite. "I'm going to swim practice." He grunted as he left, slamming their door shut.

Aiichirou pulled his feet onto his chair, hugging his knees to his chest. He pressed his face to his knees, shook. What was he doing _wrong_?

* * *

Aiichirou was awake when Rin finally came home from practice. He wasn't sure what time it was, but the sky was dark and their room was cold and he'd turned the lights off. Rin grunted, and Aiichirou could hear the rustling of his jacket being pulled off and hung on the back of his desk chair.

Aiichirou tried to keep breathing steady. He hadn't greeted Rin, and he wasn't ready to talk to him either. He felt so unsure of everything, and the safety he felt with Rin was being shaken and destroyed. He refused to blame Rin, but didn't trust himself enough to believe anything entirely. He just needed to be left alone. Rin had other plans, however.

"_Aiichirou_." Rin spoke loudly. Aiichirou couldn't help the surprised squeak that escaped when a mysterious, and very warm, bag dropped onto his stomach. He groaned, his cover blown.

Aiichirou sat up as Rin flicked on their light. He had to wait a minute for the light to stop burning his eyes before he could see the bag Rin had given him was _full_ of fast food. Aiichirou blinked slowly.

"You haven't eaten, right? Fuck, you haven't even left this room, have you?" Rin asked, hands on his hips. Aiichirou turned his head, cautiously looked down at Rin. He shook his head, words not coming to him. Rin sighed. "Well I didn't buy all that _just for you_, if you were wondering. Some of its mine too. So get your skinny butt down here so we can have some fucking dinner." Rin said, his voice rough as he pulled out both his and Aiichirou's desk chairs. Aiichirou felt nervous, but he couldn't say no. He couldn't say anything at all. And fuck it all, he was hungry.

He threw a thin blanket around his shoulders to hide unbound chest, swung his legs over the edge of his bed and hopped down. His hand felt small as he grabbed the paper bag and handed it back to Rin.

Rin divided the food equally, and wasted no time getting to work on it. Aiichirou folded one leg underneath himself as he took a seat, gently picking up a chicken sandwich. Rin was eating like he hadn't seen food in days. Aiichirou wondered how hard he must have practiced to be so hungry.

His eyes fell to his sandwich, and without much thought he took a bite. It was the moment it hit his tongue that he realized how painfully starved he was. He swallowed the bite, and before long he was eating just as viciously as Rin. He wiped at his mouth with his wrist as he finished his second sandwich.

"Thank you, senpai." He said from behind the hand covering his mouth. He couldn't bring himself to look at Rin, but he could hear the other boy stop chewing and swallow.

"Are you going to school tomorrow?" He asked. Aiichirou thought for a moment, then shook his head.

"I don't think so…" He said. Rin sighed loudly, his chair squeaking as he leaned back against it.

"You can't just. Quit school over this." He said. Aiichirou let out a sad, self-deprecating laugh.

"I very well could." He shook his head. "I don't want to stop going to school. But if the principle hears about what happened, it probably won't be my choice if I stay or not." He said, then shoved a few French fries into his mouth to keep him from saying anything more.

"Mikoshiba talked with the team. He talked and talked and _talked some fucking more_, there was even some yelling towards the end." Rin rolled his eyes. "I thought it'd never end. But I have to admit," He paused, taking a long sip of water. "I think I learned some new things about being a good ally." His voice was so soft. Now he met Rin's eyes. He looked so tired, beaten, completely worn down.

"I've been shit to you. You know that. I just-I'm not-" Rin shook his head and let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm not trying to excuse what I've said, but I want to make it up to you?" He said. He frowned, turned his head away from Aiichirou. "I want you to come back to swim practice." He mumbled. Aiichirou felt his heart twitch with affection, whether he wanted it to or not. He rubbed one hand over his other nervously.

"I can't practice again until I get a new swim binder anyway." He said, voice small and quiet.

"I want you to go back to _classes_." Rin persisted.

"I-I'm probably getting expelled anyway…" Aiichirou curled in towards himself. Rin was trying so hard, and he knew he was being difficult.

"You don't know that." Rin said, hands balled into tight fists. "How is anyone supposed to learn to see trans people as regular human beings if you always try to _hide_?"

"Senpai, you're-" there were tears welling in Aiichirou's eyes, again, a pained smile on his face. He could tell Rin was trying _so hard_. "You're saying all the wrong things." He sniffed, shaking his head. Rin's eyes snapped up to meet Aiichirou's, his frown relaxed. He cursed under his breath.

"God _dammit_." He grumbled, his head falling into his hands. Aiichirou wiped at his eyes, a soft giggle leaving his lips.

"Did you know, before I met you and Mikoshiba, I was afraid to talk to boys?" Aiichirou asked, still sniffing and wiping at the corner of his eyes. Rin slowly lifted his head, looked at his friend. Aiichirou nodded. "I'm afraid of a lot of things, and even talking to the boys in my class can still make me pretty nervous. But I'm not afraid. Or…I wasn't. Because you and Mikoshiba let me forget that I'm different. I felt like I didn't have to worry anymore." He giggled again. Rin's mouth was hanging open. Then his eyebrows drew down into a soft glare.

It didn't matter that Rin always said the wrong thing. Aiichirou was sure he wasn't any better. It mattered that Rin always came back and tried harder than the time before. It mattered that, yes mistakes were made, but never the same mistake twice. They were _both_ learning. They were growing and working through all the confusion, together.

* * *

Aiichirou had planned to move as little as possible to conserve energy. He skipped classes just as he said he would, lay in bed with a book open and balanced on his collarbone. He was fully prepared to never set foot outside his dorm ever again.

That was, until Mikoshiba started _blowing up his phone_.

Apparently, despite promising to 'look out' for Aiichirou, Mikoshiba was too busy to visit the boy in person. Instead, he made sure to text Aiichirou every five minutes. Every passing period. Before lunch. During lunch. After lunch. In the middle of class. At the end of class. As he dressed for swim practice.

Aiichirou screamed when his phone started ringing, his heart pounding in his chest. He shot up in bed, clutching his phone. He could ignore it.

He jumped when just as the chiming stopped, it immediately started again. Aiichirou growled, flipping the phone open in defeat.

"…H-Hello?" He asked.

"I did _NOT_ spend _two hours_ lecturing the _entire swim team_ yesterday for you to quit the team." Mikoshiba yelled. Aiichirou let out a small whine.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He yelled back. Mikoshiba sighed.

"Rin and I are both here for you. You're safe. I _promise_." He said. Aiichirou's fingers curled around his shirt. "You're coming to practice, I'm not letting you skip. If it'll make you feel better, one of us can walk you to the pool."

"C-Captain that's…you don't have to-" Aiichirou said, trying to find the polite way to decline without denying that was exactly what he needed.

"Alright, I'm sending Rin to come get you. Be ready when he gets there."

"But-no I don't-!" Aiichirou stammered, but Mikoshiba hung up on him and suddenly Aiichirou was falling out of the top bunk and pulling his binder on at the speed of light. Aiichirou was breathing hard when Rin opened the door.

Rin raised an eyebrow but Aiichirou just smiled sheepishly.

"R-Ready…" He said, eyes darting around the floor. Rin held the door so Aiichirou could slip into the hall. He locked the door and made sure to walk at the same pace as Aiichirou. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, pursed his lips. Aiichirou couldn't help noticing how Rin kept glancing at him.

"S-Senpai…?" He asked. Rin met his eyes but only frowned. He held the dormitory's front door for Aiichirou. The fresh, cold air was a great relief to Aiichirou, who hadn't left his dorm in nearly two days.

"I'm spending the night with the Iwatobi team this weekend." He said. Aiichirou smiled softly, his lips shaped around a response but Rin cut him off. "We want you to come too." He said.

"No." The word left his mouth so quickly Aiichirou wasn't sure he'd even actually said it. Rin flashed hurt eyes at him. "I-I mean. I mean no, I'd rather not." He said, eyes falling to his feet.

"What? Why not?" Rin pressed. Aiichirou hugged his arms around himself and shrugged.

"…I can't sleep in my binder." He said.

"But you can _trust_ them."

Aiichirou fidgeted with the cuff of his jacket. He knew that if Rin was there, he was safe. He knew that, but the thought of spending a night with five men, not wearing a binder. He felt sick.

"I-I can't do it, I'm sorry." Aiichirou said. Seeing the pool doors just up ahead, he hurried forward and went inside. Unfortunately, this put him smack dab in the center of the Iwatobi team which had been gathered near the door. Nagisa noticed him first, his eyes wide and sparkling.

"Ah, Ai-chan!" He smiled, waving. The rest of the boys looked over, offering small greetings and smiles. Aiichirou was horrified, but returned the gestures all the same.

"You're coming to the movie night this weekend right, Aiichirou-kun?" Haruka asked, looking impassive as ever. Aiichirou opened his mouth, shook his head slightly, bit down.

"I don't-"

"Rin and Captain Mikoshiba explained it all to us." Nagisa interrupted. Makoto, big, tall, manly Makoto smiled so gently, nodding.

"It's okay if you're uncomfortable with it but, we thought you deserved to be included in something like this." He said. Aiichirou's heart hurt. He found a look of solid support in every single one of the boys' eyes. And it hurt.

"We are most likely still confused about a few things," Rei added, adjusting his glasses in the way only Rei did. "We ask you please correct any of our offensive behavior."

"I-I don't-I mean I-" Aiichirou's bottom lip was quivering, but an involuntary smile was tugging at the corners of his lips. "T-Thank you, I look forward to it." He said. The boys exchanged triumphant looks. Rin walked through the doors then, looking quite sour.

"Oh-Oh Rin-chan! Did you hear! Ai-chan is coming to the movie night!" Nagisa yelled happily. Rin's eyebrows pinched together, his mouth falling open.

"No way, Ai, really?" he asked, turning to face his friend. Aiichriou shrugged.

"Nagisa-kun is very convincing." He laughed nervously. A beat of confusion passed over Rin's face and then his lips pulled into a toothy grin.

"Fuck yeah." He said, high fiving Nagisa's raised hand. Aiichirou pressed a hand to mouth as he giggled.

"Don't just stand _around_." Mikoshiba yelled from the other side of the pool. "We don't let you use our pool just so you can stand around it looking _cute_, get practicing!"

Even Haru had to turn his head and laugh at that.

Aiichirou's heart was positively swelling. He'd never been invited to a sleep over. He thought he was too old for them now. Beyond that, he hadn't had any friends. And now five talented swimmers were putting one together just for him, going out of their way to make him feel safe and welcomed.

Aiichirou was beyond excited.

* * *

Everyone arrived at Haruka's house at 8pm in their most comfortable pajamas.

As Makoto led Rin and Aiichirou to the sitting room, he caught a glimpse of Haru working on dinner in a fitted shirt and loose capris. Makoto was wearing a plain shirt and pants much like Rin and Aiichirou. Rei wore a surprisingly adorable purple butterfly print button up shirt and pants. Nagisa had on a pink short sleeved hoodie and rather _short_ shorts. He pushed up and away from Rei when he saw Aiichirou enter the room.

"Ahh, you guys made it!" Nagisa greeted both boys by jumping up and swinging his arms around their necks in an energetic hug that nearly knocked all three of them over.

"Get _off_ Nagisa I swear-" Rin growled. Nagisa let go of them, but couldn't seem to look sorry if he tried.

"Haru's making dinner and Rei-chan is _so boring_, I thought I was gonna die!" he complained, a far of shout of 'HEY' from Rei. Aiichirou giggled.

"I'm sure Rei-kun is plenty interesting, you should give him another chance Nagisa-kun." Aiichirou said, a shy smile on his face. He could see a proud look on Rin's face out of the corner of his eye, and he almost hated how much it boosted his confidence. His hands were shaky and he was nervous as heck, but here he was, outside his dorm room with real people. Nagisa smiled brightly.

"Rei is fine, Nagisa is just a _bully_." Makoto sighed, moving passed the boys and finding a seat on the floor next to Rei who was nodding enthusiastically. Nagisa gripped his heart in mock pain, tumbled to the ground.

"You WOUND me!" He cried from the floor. Rin dug the heel of his foot lightly into Nagisa's stomach, a disgusted look on his face.

"We _wish_." He groaned, but it was mostly drowned out by Nagisa's obnoxious laughter.

"N-No-No Rin-chan don't!" He gasped between giggles. "I'm TICKLISH." He squealed. Rin grimaced and removed his foot, shaking his head. Nagisa hugged his hands around his sides as he tried to calm down, rolling up into a sitting position. He motioned for Aiichirou to sit next to him, so Aiichirou did.

"None of us know much about Ai so we should play a game to get to know each other!" Nagisa said, stretching to grab and rummage through his bag.

"Isn't that a bit childish, Nagisa?" Rei asked, thumb and pointer finger around his glasses.

"Oh stop acting like we're all grownups Rei, _please_." Nagisa sounded exasperated. "Where is your youthful passion!?" He asked, snapping his spine straight and dropping a rather large bag of sweets onto the table in the center of the room. Aiichirou's eyes went wide, a childish sparkle in them. Nagisa snickered. "You want some?" he asked. Aiichirou glanced from the candy to Nagisa, his mouth in a small 'o' shape.

"M-May I?" he asked politely. Nagisa clapped him on the back.

"You're hanging out with us, which means you're a friend, which means you have my express permission to eat to your heart's content!" Nagisa answered. Rin and Makoto shared a worried look, but said nothing. Aiichirou smiled wide.

"Thank you Nagisa!" he said, picking up packet of strawberry pocky sticks. He ripped the packet open and drew out a stick, nibbling on the end. He tended to notice every little move Rin made, so how in the world he missed the rather adorable blush spreading over his senpai's face was a complete mystery.

Makoto jumped up as he spotted Haruka entering the room, a tray of fried mackerel in his hands. Haruka placed the tray on the table and Makoto yelled that he would get the plates. Haruka exchanged a nod with Rin, then turned to Aiichirou.

"Hey." He said. Aiichirou had a feeling that Haruka's one word greeting was a rather big deal, and as such Haruka did not linger and fell down on the floor in front of the meal he'd made. Aiichirou bowed his head to Haruka.

"Hello, thank you for having me." He said, bright smile and rosy cheeks. Haruka didn't smile back, but something in his eyes looked calm and glad to see Aiichirou feeling comfortable.

When Makoto returned to the table with plates, everyone squished in and grabbed some fish. Aiichirou and Rei stayed out of most of the conversation, with Rin, Haruka, and Nagisa dominating. But Aiichirou liked it this way. He liked that he got to hear them talk and to laugh at their jokes and be a part of making Rin's wide smiles.

"Aiichirou-kun." Rei said, moving away from the conversation that had escalated around the table. Something about sharks and dolphins? Aiichirou was having trouble keeping up. He turned to face Rei, pulling his knees to his chest.

"Rei-kun." He smiled shyly. Rei nodded, smiling back.

"I'm glad you came." He said, glancing at the other boys around the table. "And I hope you know, you're always welcome around us." He said. Aiichirou blushed, eyes wide.

"Yes, thank you." He said. Aiichirou didn't know how, but Rei seemed to understand exactly what had been on his mind. He smiled sympathetically.

"I used to worry that because Rin-san had a strong history with Nagisa, Haruka-senpai, and Makoto-senpai that I would never fit in." He turned his eyes back to Aiichirou. "These guys are some of the best people I've ever met. We didn't invite you lightly, that is to say, the gesture is in no way halfhearted. I hope you understand that." He said, adjusting his glasses. Aiichirou had to blink several times, then nodded.

"To be honest, that makes really happy." He said, a smile so wide it hurt his cheeks. Rei's smile faltered slightly.

"I don't mean to pry, Aiichirou-kun, but you," Rei looked off to the side, his hands trying to physically grab the right words out of the air. "You seem like you've been through some dark places." He said, looking at Aiichirou for approval on his hopefully inoffensive language. Aiichirou blinked, but nodded.

"Yes, I…I suppose I have." He said, pulling out another pocky stick and biting off the tip. Rei was quiet, giving him the space to continue or not however he pleased. Aiichirou had never talked to anyone about it, most likely because no one had ever asked. His eyes fell to his toes, his fingers fidgeting with them.

"My parents they-they assumed, you know, that I was their little girl." Aiichirou said. Somewhere in his mind, he knew the rest of the boys heard him and were quieting down to listen. Maybe he was even okay with that. "A-And what a surprise it was for them when I refused to respond to the name they'd given me." He laughed brokenly. "They didn't like it. I don't think they liked _me_." Aiichirou tensed his muscles to keep from shaking. He lifted his eyes, looked around. Everyone had a different shade of gentleness on their faces. He didn't know if any of them could relate, but they all listened, all hoped that Aiichirou would continue to open up to them.

"I-I would tell you what they did, but I'd probably end up c-crying, sorry." He said, face pinched tightly to fight the urge to let tears spill. He took a deep breath. "None of that really matters, anyway."

Rin scooted over to Aiichirou's side, frowning. "It matters that you were discriminated against." He said. "It matters that we all understand how serious we need to take this." He said. Even Makoto nodded.

"Understanding someone's past makes understanding their present a lot clearer." He said, that calm smile on his face. "We all appreciate you telling us about this." He said. Aiichirou shook his head.

"N-No, I didn't tell you anything." He said, waving his open palms dismissively.

"You told us enough." Haruka said, nodding. And just like that, he stood, gathered the empty plates, and ended the conversation. Aiichirou sniffed, but he wasn't sad. He was happy. So incredibly happy.

Nagisa ended up making them all watch some poorly animated mecha movie for ironic purposes, and god was it the funniest thing Aiichirou had ever seen. By the end of it, he and Nagisa had laughed themselves straight to sleep. The other boys were less enthused, but happy to see Aiichirou enjoying himself.

Haruka threw Rin a blanket which he used to cover the two boys curled up, asleep on the floor. Everyone claimed their spots, pillows, and blankets. The room settled and the lights were turned off.

"Thanks, you guys." Rin said, his smile oddly light. "Ai wouldn't leave the dorm, he hasn't been to classes in days. He needed this."

"A friend of Rin's is a friend of ours." Makoto said, his sentence devolving into a yawn.

Rin had to admit, he truly had the best friends in the world.

* * *

Aiichirou couldn't be sure how long he'd been asleep. He almost didn't let himself wake up, but he'd fallen asleep in his binder and his heart was pounding and his feet were asleep and he need to freaking pee. He pressed a palm to his eyes, trying to wake himself up.

He very quickly became aware of a warm weight pressing down over his stomach, heat radiating on his left side. He held his breath opened his eyes. _'SENPAI IS HOLDING ME.'_

Aiichirou was able to throw a hand over his mouth to keep in his surprised squeaking, but his bladder was at it's limit and he had to cross his legs and oh god Rin woke up and-

"_FUCK_." Rin screeched, flinging himself off Aiichirou. Aiichirou scrunched up, holy fuck he needed to pee. Everyone was stirring and Aiichirou was not prepared to deal with this. He rolled up onto his feet and made a mad dash, searching desperately for a bathroom.

He opened three different doors before finding the bathroom and nearly cried out of pure joy. He shut himself in and fumbled with his pants and oh he'd never loved a toilet more in his life. He let out a relieved sigh as he finally got himself on the toilet and peed, he wondered if this was what heaven would feel like.

Aiichirou took his time, letting his heart relax and his mind wander. _Why had Rin been holding him_. He let out a sigh, pulling his binder up over his head and letting it fall to the floor. He adjusted his pajama shirt, scratched at the back of his head. Rin had looked less than pleased when he realized he was holding Aiichirou, so he had no choice but to believe it had been entirely unintentional.

Aiichirou frowned. This was supposed to be a _fun_ night out, but his heart was twisting up. He didn't even need to think about it to know he wanted Rin to hold him like that, willingly. Aiichirou let his head fall into his hands. He rubbed at his eyes, shook his head, folded his binder over his arm.

He jumped when he opened the door to find Haruka standing just outside. He looked around, shifted nervously. "I-I'm sorry Nanase-kun, did you need to use the bathroom?" He asked, moving aside so Haruka could enter, but the older boy just shook his head. A beat of silence passed.

"How do you feel about Rin?" He asked. Aiichirou flushed, but he couldn't hesitate in front of Haruka.

"…I like him a lot." He said, hands pulling at the hem of his shirt. Haruka nodded.

"You want to be his boyfriend?" He asked. Aiichirou choked.

"Y-Yes." he said, pain in his voice. Haruka sighed, flashed a smile, gestured for Aiichirou to follow him. Aiichirou nervously trailed behind Haruka, peering into the sitting room to see everyone had already gone back to sleep. Haruka picked up some blankets, threw one at Aiichirou, and headed straight out the front door. Aiichirou wrapped his blanket around himself, deposited his binder, and ran to catch up.

Aiichirou sat down next to Haruka. It was freezing, but the sun was just starting to rise on the horizon. It was a truly beautiful sight. Aiichirou and Haruka shared soft smiles, eyes turning to the sky.

"I think you could make Rin very happy." Haruka said.

"O-Oh, I don't know about that." Aiichirou shook his head, smile turning a bit nervous. "I mean, Rin-senpai, he. I'm not sure he'd be happy with…" He bit his lip, tugging his blanket around him a bit tighter. "Someone like me. I'm not sure anyone would be happy with someone like me." He said. Haruka looked _angry_.

"Because of your gender?" He asked. Aiichirou nodded, eyes wide. "Rin isn't like that. If he didn't want to understand, if it made him uncomfortable, he would have ditched you a long time ago." He said. His choice of words were harsh, but Aiichirou understood what he was saying.

"N-Nanase-san." He whispered. Haruka's glare softened a bit. Aiichirou looked down at his lap, his chest ached, whether from anxiety or having slept in his binder, he didn't know. "Rin-senpai says you made him free." Aiichirou paused, thinking over his words carefully. "I want to be free too. But I. I Feel so trapped in this body…" He said, a small tremor running through him. Haruka's face softened.

"Being free is something that only happens inside yourself. If you're truly free, nothing and no one can take it away." He said. "I can't make anyone free." He looked sad as he said this. "But a good friend can help you find the freedom inside yourself." He turned his head, meeting Aiichirou's eyes.

The sun had turned the sky pink then, birds began calling. Haruka yawned and got back on his feet, going inside. Aiichirou was stunned, but found his bearings and sprang up.

"Th-Thank you Nanase-san!" He said, gripping his blanket and hunching his shoulders. Haruka stopped with his hand on the door. He glanced back at Aiichirou, nodded, went back inside.

For one night, five incredible men had allowed Aiichirou the space to be, and he knew each of them were leading him a step closer to freedom. Aiichirou could not be more thankful.

* * *

_Author's Notes-_

Happy chapter yes. This was actually a present to myself because I too have never had a 'sleep over' with other guys, and for my recent birthday party none of the boys I invited showed up. So I'm giving Aiichirou something that hasn't happened to me yet. Feels good haha. I honestly felt like this chapter could have at least another 2000 words, but I spared you. Maybe those scenes can play out later in the fic. I also wanted to mention, this fic has been pretty heavy on the internal processing of dysphoria and trans related depression. My hope is that it both helps other trans people with their own thoughts, but also gives cis people an idea of what and just how much goes through a trans person's head on a day to day basis (which is a lot, at least for me, can't speak for EVERY trans person). Until next update my lovely readers, let me know what you thought!

_**-FoxyGrampaGlasses**_


	4. East Side Bricks and Brawn

**CHAPTER 4 - _East Side Bricks and Brawn _**

* * *

Monday morning arrived right on time for Rin. Somewhere far off, outside his sleeping mind, his room was stirring. He grumbled and forced himself awake. Rin propped himself up on his elbow, ran a hand through his hair. His eyes flew open when he realized the noise had been coming from his roommate _getting ready for class_. Aiichirou jumped when he saw Rin was awake. He shut the bathroom door behind him and bowed his head.

"Good morning, Rin-senpai." He said softly. "I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you."

"You're going to classes today?" Rin asked, swinging his legs over the side of his bed. Aiichirou wouldn't look at him, but he nodded all the same. Rin's lips tugged into a triumphant smile. The sleep over had _actually worked_.

And yet. Something about Aiichirou was still horribly off this morning. It bothered Rin as he showered and dressed for the day. He tried to brush the thoughts aside. Aiichirou was always so loud and couldn't keep anything to himself. If something was wrong, he'd say so. Rin trusted that, and he wasn't about to push Aiichirou's boundaries when he was so obviously in a fragile state of mind. So Rin let him be, but his worry wouldn't quit.

It sunk into his mind relentlessly until all he could think about was Aiichirou's bubbly giggles and sparkling smiles he'd seen the other night, and oh how Rin wished they would come back. Worry churned around his head, fueling helpless frustration because _why couldn't he stop worrying._

Rin walked side by side with Aiichirou to the cafeteria for breakfast. If his mind hadn't been so loud with incessant _worry_ and _frustration_ and his old enemy _confusion_, he might have noticed sooner how quiet Aiichirou was. Silent, in fact. The silence didn't seem to connect with him until it was gone, replaced by the low murmuring of groggy students in the cafeteria trying to wake themselves up and eat a decent breakfast. It was a stark contrast from how they'd been in the hall, and one he was not used to.

Rin glared at Aiichirou. If the boy noticed, he didn't take the bait. They paid for their food and found an empty table, all without a word.

Rin wanted to say something, but somehow he couldn't find the courage. He always said the wrong fucking thing. He couldn't stand to make Aiichirou cry in the god damned cafeteria. He'd rather eat his chopsticks than that.

Thoughts like that, a protective instinct he could only associate with his sister, made him uneasy. It was so obvious that this was different from his sister. Protecting his sister was angry. It was, he knew, overreacting. It was a need to be needed, but this. This was fear, deep and cold and endless. He feared Aiichirou's sadness, only because Aiichirou deserved happiness. Rin realized, with great surprise, these feelings were entirely selfless.

Rin being selfless by itself was not particularly startling, but when applied to Aiichirou, a boy he'd known for less than a year, who annoyed the ever-loving-shit out of him on a daily basis, _that_ shook Rin's insides.

Rin made sure to say a proper goodbye when he and Aiichirou parted ways for classes, making him promise to meet him at swim practice on time. Aiichirou nodded, his smile off center and dull. It made Rin's heart ache.

In class, his mind was wandering. He rested his head in one hand, pressed the end of his pen to his lips. Maybe he should have been listening to the lecture, but he couldn't seem to find a fuck to give. The sky outside the classroom window was grey. It looked like it might rain.

Rin remembered this burning, twisted up feeling. He'd only felt it once before, just before he left for Australia. He'd looked into Haru's eyes, and he knew he didn't want to leave anymore, but it was too late to change his mind. He had a dream to chase, and it wasn't in Haru's endless blue eyes. Rin didn't belong there, and he knew it from the very beginning. He regretted it, his feelings and his confusion, if only for the pain his idiocy had caused them both.

But Haru was happy now. They were friends. It wasn't the same, could never be the same, but it was enough to heal cracks in him that had been close to splitting him in half. Rin did get to catch up with Haru after the relay. Haru's parents moving away, Nagisa leaving for a different middleschool but ending up in their highschool. And then he was quiet, his lips parted and his ocean deep eyes looked so full Rin thought the sea would pour straight out and drown them both.

Haru was in love with Makoto.

Rin had felt that hot confusion crushing him, but it was fleeting. After everything they'd been through, it took Haru admitting his love for another for Rin to realize love was the exact thing that had been ripping him apart from the beginning. He couldn't be sure what exactly had given his heart peace that day. Perhaps it had been that he trusted Makoto to take care of Haru. Maybe it had been Rei, who already felt like an outcast, but gave Rin his spot on the relay team anyway. Or maybe it was how everyone worked so hard to _make_ Rin take a second chance. Most likely, it was all those things combined.

Rin was wanted, even if it wasn't what his young heart had been yearning for. He was older, filled with too many regrets for a highschooler, so he could live with this. He had believed and completely accepted that twisted up confusion, the hot grip around his heart he now knew was love, would never return. He wouldn't love again, he couldn't. Haru had been the one.

And here he was, his last class of the day nearly over, his pen cap destroyed from pointy teeth chewing on it nervously the entire day. He was feeling it again, white hot confusion, _for Aiichirou_. He'd noticed it so long ago, but refused to acknowledge it, anything to keep it a thought and away from reality. He'd nearly ruined his entire life over his first love, and he'd convinced himself he'd never have to face such dangerous emotions ever again. He wasn't ready. He was confused. He was _scared_.

His day felt like an absolute blur. He was only half aware that he was even presently living as he walked to the pool after class. He'd almost forgotten to even go to swim practice. His head felt like it was physically buzzing with all the thoughts rushing around him. He dragged a hand down his face, letting out a frustrated sigh. He was probably late, and he'd made Aiichirou promise to be there on time. He pushed the doors open roughly.

The empty pool told him he was in fact early, but he could still hear something coming from the locker room. Rin's mind went silent as he opened the locker room door, and it took less than a moment for his fists to take up action.

Behind those doors, shoved up against a row of lockers, a third year had Aiichirou pinned, fingers struggling with his pants.

Rin thought he might have heard the boy yell a flustered _'fuck'_ before his fist cracked against his skull. The boy fell awkwardly on the bench in front of the lockers, tumbled to the floor. Rin shook out his hand. He'd hit him faster than intended and, despite all his anger issues, he'd never actually hit anyone before. The boy rubbed at his face looking up at Rin with murder in his eyes.

"Fuck you Matsuoka, like you're not curious what _she's_ packing!" he yelled. Rin began to think he might need to work on his self-control when, in one fluid movement, he'd picked the boy up by his shirt and dug a punch into his stomach. The boy coughed, staggered backwards.

"I swear to god if you don't get you and your _shit stained hands_ out of here, you won't have hands to speak of."Rin's eyes were as dark as a storm raging at sea, his fists were ready to do whatever it took to ensure Aiichirou's safety. He was done with the world beating down on his loved ones. The boy seemed to have ego hurt, though, and swung at Rin.

Rin caught the punch in his hand, this guy was a real punk.

This seemed to be enough to instill true fear in him, he started to pull away and Rin, with mighty hesitation, let him go only after hearing Aiichirou's muffled whimpering. He took a few cautious steps backwards and pushed himself into a full sprint. Rin felt like he'd done a disservice by letting that creep go, but he'd be back and Mikoshiba's wrath was much worse and life lasting than anything Rin could do to him (aside from _kill _him, of course).

Rin turned to Aiichirou, who had slid down to the floor in a crumpled heap. His eyes were wide and dry. He looked like a statue. Rin knelt in front of him, hands hovering but too afraid to touch.

"Ai, _Aiichirou_, come on _talk to me_. Did he hurt you? Did he do _anything_ to you?" Rin asked, trying to keep himself calm despite the very real panic going on inside him. Aiichirou slowly met Rin's gaze, shook his head. His lips quivered for a moment before he found his voice.

"No. No he didn't hurt me. He only got a hand on my pants." He said, his eyes relaxing, but it was obvious he was still removed from the situation. Rin, despite the war waging against himself, carefully brushed a hand through Aiichirou's hair. He'd rather see the boy flinch away than sitting here so still, as if nothing had happened. And it worked, the damn broke. Aiichirou's eyes filled with tears that fell gracefully down his cheeks, but he didn't flinch away. He pressed himself into Rin's hand.

"N-No he didn't hurt me. But I-" He said, sniffed, his lips hanging open with words refusing to come out. "I would have _let him_. I-I didn't even think about trying to stop him." He said, shaking so badly Rin almost didn't understand him. In that moment, Aiichirou's panic was Rin's panic.

Rin brought his knees up as Aiichirou fell into his chest, Rin pressing big hands to his back as he let Aiichirou sob and shake. It terrified him. He tried to remember his childhood, how Gou would come to her big brother for comfort. He rubbed his hand slowly up and down Aiichirou's back. He kept whispering '_it's okay, it's okay, it's gonna be okay_' not because it was, but because Aiichirou needed to know Rin would make it okay, whatever it took.

Mikoshiba was, thankfully, the first person to enter the locker room and barred the rest of the team entrance until Aiichirou could breathe evenly and stand on his own feet. Rin gave the name of the boy who had harassed Aiichirou, trusting Mikoshiba to make his life a living hell. Aiichirou was like family to Mikoshiba, and like hell he'd let anyone mess with his family.

Rin walked Aiichirou back to their room. He couldn't remember who started it initially, but their hands were clasped together the whole way nonetheless. Rin didn't ever want to let go.

He felt _guilty_. Once again he'd gotten wrapped up in himself, and once again his friend had paid the price. But he was screaming in his mind '_You shut the fuck up Rin, don't you dare make this about you! Aiichirou fucking needs you to get this right, just this once._'

Rin let Aiichirou sit on his bunk, wrapping a blanket around him. Rin sat on the floor in front of his feet. He didn't want Aiichirou to have to look up at him, not after nearly being sexually assaulted. Aiichirou had mentioned once how it felt to have to crane his neck to look at all the boys on their swim team, how he felt like a child among men. Maybe this way, Rin could be the child and Aiichirou wouldn't fear him.

Aiichirou's toes played with Rin's in silence. Rin smiled softly, though Aiichirou didn't see it, his eyes stuck on their toes.

"I don't want to talk about it." Aiichirou said, hands tugging at the blanket around him. Rin sighed.

"We have to. Eventually." he said, leaning against his bent legs and pressing his hands flat against the sides of Aiichirou's feet. He flinched, but met Rin's eyes for the first time since the locker room. Rin hesitated, his hands twitching away from Aiichirou.

"Please don't-" the words rushed out of Aiichirou's mouth, his hands grabbing Rin's. He gulped, took a deep breath. "Please don't let go…_Rin_."

Rin was frozen. He didn't think Aiichirou realized how much he, too, had been yearning to hear his first name without an honorific. He let go of Aiichirou's hands only so he could turn his palms and hold them properly. He squeezed them lightly.

"It's not that I…hate myself." Aiichirou said. "I-I'm not perfect, but neither is anyone else. We all have our faults. That's not why I-" he took a sharp breath. "All I've ever known is how out casted trans people are. The movies, the documentaries, the news stories. Do you know the statistics?" his voice quivered. "They're morbid, to say the least. Transgender people are…_killed_. All the time. And their cases go unprosecuted, evidence mishandled." He pressed his lips together for a moment, Rin rubbed his thumbs in circles over Aiichirou's hands. This was good. He was babbling, and about something so painful for him, but it was a good sign that he was speaking. Rin was so proud of Aiichirou.

"It's dangerous for me. My parents were…they ruined things in me. For years I was convinced I was a monster. But I feel _lucky_ to have had them as my parents, regardless of the damage." He said.

"Aiichirou…" Rin whispered, shaking his head. How could he feel lucky when his parents were so obviously abusive?

"You don't understand. The possibilities are…_terrifying_." His voice was so shaken, tears welling. "And that's why. I felt…I _feel_ like I've had it too easy." He gasped. "I would have let anyone do anything they wanted to me, because I deserve to hurt just as much as any other trans person." He might have had more to say, but his throat was sore and all that came out were strangled gasps as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Aiichirou tried to pull his hand away, wanting to hide his ugly face and tears and snot, but Rin wouldn't let go. He brought both his and Aiichirou's hands to the boys' face. They both rubbed at his eyes. Rin shifted so he was on his knees, let go of Aiichirou's hands and pulled him into a tight hug.

"Those statistics don't apply to you." He spoke carefully. And fuck if he didn't notice his own voice was shaking too. "Do you know why?" he asked. Aiichirou had his head buried in Rin's chest, fist fulls of Rin's shirt in his hands. He shook his head against Rin. "Because I'm here for you. Mikoshiba is here for you." He said. "You may be trans, but you're more than that. You're _human_. And I am going to make _damn_ sure you get to live like every human deserves to." He said, fighting the urge to growl.

Rin was, firstly and most importantly, worried about Aiichirou, but deep in his soul, he was pissed as fuck. How _dare_ anyone make Aiichirou, sweet, annoying, lovely Aiichirou feel like he _deserved_ discrimination. He couldn't stand how angry it made him, but Aiichirou was his main concern. So he managed to exercise what little self-control he had, and kept rubbing Aiichirou's back until he calmed down.

As Aiichirou's sobs faded into periodic hiccups, Rin glanced at their window. It was late, or at least the sun had set and the stars were shining. He sighed, stuck a hand in Aiichirou's hair and dragged blunt nails gently over his scalp. Aiichirou sniffed, sighed softly. He stirred in Rin's arms, pushing himself away and meeting his eyes. Rin smiled, laughed.

"You should sleep, you look _awful_." He said. Aiichirou giggled back, pressing a hand over his mouth.

"Gee, I wonder why." He said, voice hoarse from crying. Rin ruffled Aiichirou's hair before letting go and getting on his feet. Staring into Aiichirou's eyes was twisting him up so tight he was starting to worry he might snap in half.

"You want a snack?" he asked, grabbing his room key and a jacket. Aiichirou sniffed, fingers pressing under his eyes. "I'm gonna make a run to the store."

"Something…chocolate." Aiichirou laughed. Rin nodded, flashed him a smile and left with a quick goodbye, promising to be back soon. He double checked that the room was locked, then stuffed his key in his jacket pocket.

He walked out of the dorm and into the night air. The cold was like a slap in the face, it bit hard and all the tension he'd been holding released. His shoulders dropped, his stomach relaxed, his fingers uncurled. He got in one good breath before it all came flooding back, all twisted up with his god damned _feelings_.

Rin rubbed the bridge of his nose. Aiichirou was strong, but Rin didn't want to assume he could put up with Rin's emotional stupidity forever. Aiichirou deserved so much better than that. Perhaps the scariest thing was, he didn't want to mess this up.

Rin muttered a few curses before he dug his phone out of his pants pocket. He'd told Aiichirou he was getting snacks, but that hadn't quite been his ultimate objective. He tapped a number out on his phone and pressed it to his ear. One ring. Two rings. Three rings-

"Hello?" Makoto answered the phone. Rin breathed out his nose.

"Hey Makoto, can I talk to Haru…?" he asked, trying and failing not to sound nervous. Makoto was silent for a beat.

"Oh, sure" he said, his answered followed by the crackling noise of him passing the phone.

"Yes?" Haru answered.

"I…hate to ask, but I could really use some help." Rin said, stopping just outside the convenience store, his free hand stuffed in his jacket pocket. Haru took a long breath, considering.

"What kind of help?" he asked. Rin shifted nervously, a grumble of '_fucking hell_' leaving his lips.

"I mean…you and Makoto. You know. You guys are-" he struggled to find the right words.

"Together. Romantically. So?" Haru filled them in for him.

"I just. When did you know? That you were…like that?" Rin said, but back tracked. "I don't mean _gay_. I mean. Like. In love. In general. How'd you know for sure." He asked, his heart pounding against his chest. Haru took his sweet time, thinking carefully about his answer.

"This wouldn't have anything to do with Aiichirou-kun would it?" he asked, the barest hint of amusement in his voice. Rin flushed.

"Y-Yeah it fucking would, god dammit Haru." He said, doing his best not to yell. Haru laughed gently.

"So do you like him?" he asked.

"I don't fucking know! That's what I was asking you!" now he yelled, scaring a couple walking passed him. He took a deep breath and whispered an apology.

"That's stupid, how should I know what you're feeling." Haru said.

"Haru! He's just confused. You were pretty confused too." Makoto's muffled voice came through. Haru tsked, though Rin could guess a decently dark blush was spreading over his friend's face.

"That's it give the phone to Makoto." Rin said. More crackling as the phone was passed yet again.

"I can't tell you how you're feeling either, Rin." Makoto said, also sounding quite amused. Rin groaned dramatically. "Sorry Rin, you have to figure it out on your own. But Haru and I are willing to listen and help anyway we can. Do you need to talk about it?" he asked. Bless Makoto, what a saint. Rin shook his head though, sighing.

"Thanks, but I think I'll be alright." He said, a dejected frown on his face. Makoto hummed.

"Well, let us know if you need anything?" he said.

"Yeah. Thanks, Mako. I really appreciate it." Rin said.

He hung up with Makoto and made quick work of buying some fancy looking chocolate. On his way back, he began regretting not taking Makoto's offer to talk, but deep down he knew he didn't need it. Here, in the cold air with the stars hanging above him and everything smelling of the changing seasons, he knew how he felt. The question had become, was he ready to admit it? Not only to himself, but Aiichirou as well? No, he really wasn't fucking ready.

Rin shuffled up the dormitory stairs, found his room door and went inside.

Aiichirou was curled up on his bed, book in hand, rolled up in a blanket and tissues scattered around his bed. His eyes shot up from his book, a smile lighting up his face.

"Welcome back, Rin." He said. Rin's heart fucking _melted_. He hid it well, though, throwing the bag of chocolate he'd bought Aiichirou up on his bed. "Oh, th-thank you." He said. Rin shrugged.

"I hope it's good, all chocolate looks the same to me." He said, shrugging out of his jacket. Aiichirou unwrapped a chocolate and bit down on it, his smile small and precious.

"I really needed this." He laughed. Rin couldn't help laughing along with him. Aiichirou's smile didn't last, though. He swallowed his chocolate, placed his book face down on his bed. "I'm sorry for crying so much." He said. Rin leaned against the wall opposite Aiichirou, crossed his arms.

"Hah, what?" he asked, quite honestly baffled. "That's not something to apologize for." He said. Aiichirou looked down at him.

"B-But it's not-I mean. Boys are…" he struggled with his words, but Rin got the picture. Boys are strong. Boys are tough. _Boys don't cry_. Rin shook his head.

"No, _fuck_ that. Aiichirou, you cry as much you need and don't you let anyone tell you that you can't." he said, voice hard and very serious. Rin hated how surprised Aiichirou looked. Had no one told him that men and women were _human beings_? That, believe it or not, men needed to cry just as much as any woman, and vise motherfucking versa. Rin huffed.

"You weren't there, so you didn't see," Rin said, making sure to keep eye contact with Aiichirou. "but I sobbed like a baby before and after the last relay." He said. Aiichirou looked around nervously, as if he'd just been told some horrendous secret. "Crying isn't weak okay. Get that out of your head. A man who can openly cry is a _strong_ man." Rin smiled gently. It was something his father had taught him, something he kept very close to his heart. He hoped he could teach Aiichirou this now, too.

Aiichirou looked a bit lost in thought. He took another chocolate, smiled as his ate it. He nodded.

Rin's heart was hot that night, but it wasn't twisted, wasn't aching. He wasn't confused. He knew exactly where the warmth came from.

He loved Aiichirou. He loved how the boy calmed him down (usually). He loved how he looked up to him. He loved that Aiichirou called him on his shit. He loved how despite life taking the biggest shit on him, he was still fighting to be his truest self. He loved Aiichirou.

All that was left was to figure out how in the _fresh fuck_ to tell him.

* * *

_Author's Notes_

This was actually a really emotional chapter for me to write. I empathize with so much of what's going on. Please remember, no one deserves harassment or abuse of any kind. I don't know if anyone else struggles with this mindset, but I certainly did (do). I beg you, be aware of these thoughts they can truly sneak up on a person.

I've done several research projects on transgender stats, which are actually quite horrifying. A lot of my information about other trans people's experiences when I was first transitioning came from poorly filmed documentaries that made people look more like side show freaks than people and of course Boys Don't Cry (I knew it was hard to watch, but I was truly unprepared to watch it. In fact I couldn't finish it and had to come back to it a couple days later). I wanted to put actual solid stats in Aiichirou's dialogue, but I'm really only familiar with American statistics. It could be that no studies have been done in Japan, or at the very least haven't been translated. I couldn't tell you. I could tell you, however, that there are an estimated 700,000 transgender people in America as of 2013. That is 700,000 people being denied insurance for basic transgender care such as hormones. 700,000 people wondering why they're the only one who can't be normal. 700,000 trans people, and still most of main stream society doesn't even know what the word transgender means, much less how to treat them decently.

Lastly, for transmen (and transwomen) crying is no weakness. When I first started transitioning oh god was it a wreck. I had this idea in my mind planted by all the dumb boys I knew, and girls, who went on about 'the guy code' and the 'unwritten rules' which are bullshit. I wasn't sure how else to define my gender if not by the stereotypes, but I promise you following this 'guy code' won't get you anywhere. I realized I had to come up with my own definition of what makes a man, and follow that. Don't get swept up in the stereotype. Men cry. Men feel things. Men hug and breath and their hearts beat.

Sorry for the long note! I hope you all enjoyed. Let me know what you thought and see you next chapter!

-_**FoxyGrampaGlasses**_


	5. Back to the Start

**CHAPTER 5 - _Back to the Start_**

* * *

_November 9th, 2013_

_11:03pm_

I mentioned yesterday that one of the boys was harassing me. Well, not in those words. I think I said 'he kept asking me questions I really didn't want to answer.' And maybe I didn't know then, but I know now, I was being harassed. Rin showed me that.

He just wouldn't stop. Even his friends were trying to get him to leave me alone. And I wanted to tell Rin so badly, really. But I just couldn't. He'd seen me cry so much already, I couldn't. I didn't want Rin to think I was weak…

And somewhere along the line, I realized, I had a real problem. I really needed to tell someone. This boy was…not backing down. He started to get persistent about what I was 'hiding'. I dodged him as much as I could during the day, but he must have seen me leaving class early. He followed me into the locker room…

I was scared at first. He kept saying the same things over and over again like…'just let me see' and 'I'm so curious' and then patronizing me with 'but we're both men!'. So when he pushed me up against the lockers. I knew I had two choices. I could try to fight, probably be overpowered, or I could admit that this wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me, and just let him do whatever he wanted. A man forcing himself on me, if I just went along with it, wouldn't that be easiest? Even being…violated like that, I thought how lucky I was.

But Rin walked in and stopped him. I'm so happy Rin stopped him. Because I wasn't going to even try.

I told Rin, 'I felt like I deserved it.' And I did.

But Rin made me realize. He told me…I'm a human being. Who deserves nothing less than any other human being. And when I think about it that way…there are so many things I've kept myself from because I felt like I didn't deserve them. It's hard to put into words. I think I stopped thinking of myself as a real person. I think all I saw in myself were the rules I had to follow to be manly enough, and disregarded what I wanted or felt.

I've cried so much. But Rin told me 'A man who can openly cry is a strong man'. Rin is everything I see a man being. And if he can cry openly, then obviously crying is no weakness. Because Rin is not weak.

I think I need to reconsider what my definition of a man is. I'm still so confused but, Rin reminded me.

I feel like I was dead, and I just came back to life. All the ugly crying I've been doing lately was the pain of me waking up. And I don't mind it so much, now that I can feel some true peace. I'm not sure what comes next, exactly. But I feel good about it.

* * *

Aiichirou slowly drew a period at the end of his journal entry. He felt like he could write forever, but he knew he could never get all of the words on the page. He didn't think most of what he was feeling could even be put into words in the first place. So he stopped there, closed his journal, pressed a hand over his mouth as he yawned.

"Hey, Ai." Rin's voice could be heard from under Aiichirou's bunk. He blinked, quickly shutting off his book light.

"S-Sorry, senpai, is my light bothering you? I'm done now." He said. His legs were tucked under warm blankets, and he could feel his back expanding against the cool wall behind him. It felt nice. Just to breath, to listen, to feel his breath.

"What? No your light's fine." Rin grumbled. Aiichirou could hear him shifting under his sheets and suddenly the top of his head popped up over the railing. "Can I?" he asked, nodding his head toward the open space next to Aiichirou. Aiichirou looked around. It was dark, but the sky outside seemed light.

"Sure." He said, pulling his blankets to flatten them. Rin, however, just dug down under them, sitting beside Aiichirou. He tried not to think about Rin's hand being so close and open, how he'd held that hand once before. If he thought about it enough, just like his babbling, he'd end up actually acting on his thoughts. "Is something wrong-" Aiichirou hesitated, stuttering a bit. Rin had called him Ai, perhaps he should return the favor. "R-Rin?" he bit down on his lip to keep from tacking 'senpai' on the end. Even in the dark, Aiichirou could see the shadows on Rin's face outlined a smile.

"So…" Rin said, his smile fading away. "After what happened, I really don't want to cross any boundaries." He turned his head towards Aiichirou. "Promise you'll tell me. If I ever cross a boundary. If I make you the slightest bit uncomfortable." He said, and he could see the denial on Aiichirou's face. "_Promise me_."

Aiichirou made a strangled sound in his throat, forced himself to take a breath. "I promise." He said. Rin sighed, relaxing.

"I'm trusting you, kay?" he said, his hands disappearing under the sheets. Aiichirou tried not to feel disappointed. He smiled, nodded.

"It's hard to say something if I feel uncomfortable…" he said, pulling his knees up to his chest. "But I'll try harder. Because I just promised I would." He laughed lightly into his knees.

Rin fidgeted with the sheets under his fingers for nearly five minutes, Aiichirou watching patiently. He got the feeling Rin had something important to say, but he couldn't be sure. In the end, Rin went back to his bunk, bidding Aiichirou a soft, slightly sour, goodnight.

Aiichirou fell onto his pillow, curling up on himself. He wondered what was on Rin's mind. He wondered if…it had anything to do with how they'd held hands. Had Rin even noticed? Or was this another thing Aiichirou was blowing out of proportion? It seemed as though his male friends gave each other more physical contact than he had previously thought acceptable, but _holding hands_?

Aiichirou angled himself so he could see the sky, a tiny sliver between the curtains. It was a lovely dark purple sprinkled with stars.

He wanted to hold Rin's had, but what if he did? What if by some miracle Rin _actually_ wanted to hold hands with him? All thoughts of forever ruining their friendship aside, Aiichirou realized, he'd never thought past that. Would he want to kiss Rin? He wondered what Rin's teeth felt like, if they were actually as sharp as they looked.

Would he…want to _touch_ Rin? Would he want Rin to touch _him_? Aiichirou felt a bit nauseous thinking about it. Kissing and hand holding were one thing, but _sex_? Aiichirou pressed his knees together.

_He'd been too scared to ever touch himself_.

Aiichirou clutched his pillow closer to himself. He wanted to know what it felt like, but it _scared _him. His body had never felt right. It sounded silly, but he was afraid of what it might do to him. He was afraid it would hurt him. Not physically, but mentally. How could he touch himself, know every feminine curve between his legs, and still call himself a man? Would he somehow feel like less of a man afterwards? Would everyone be able to tell, and would it put him one step back from passing?

Aiichirou buried his head in his pillow. He felt like he was going to scream and suffocate all at the same time.

He just wanted Rin to love him the way he loved Rin. Sex was…important, he knew that, but it wasn't top priority, and it wasn't worth worrying about if he wasn't even sure it would ever be an issue…right?

As he pulled the pillow away and breathed deep, he reminded himself, it didn't matter. He wasn't ready to risk his friendship with Rin like that yet.

* * *

Aiichirou woke up late the next morning. It was Sunday and the sky was oddly bright considering the time of year. He stumbled down the bunk ladder and swayed on his feet, rubbing his eyes. He slowly became aware of an obnoxious blinking light coming from his phone. He walked over to his desk and flipped the phone open.

_**Rin-senpai:**_

_10:42 AM_

_I forgot to tell you I'm out with Gou today. Stay safe._

Aiichirou yawned and typed out a quick reply. On any other day, he would probably be sad that Rin left without him, but the thoughts he went to bed with were still scratching away at his mind and he just didn't know if he could handle being around Rin. He jumped a little when his phone buzzed again.

_**?**_

_11:12_

_Come outside Ai-chan, we're going shopping!_

Aiichirou furrowed his brow, staring at the number. Going by the syntax, this message could only have come from one person.

_**You**_

_11:13_

_Shopping…?_

_**?**_

_11:15_

_Yeah! I'm bringing Rei-chan too. Be ready in 5? We're almost to Samezuka!_

_**You**_

_11:15_

_W-Wha- Nagisa-kun! Shouldn't you give me a little more warning…?_

_**?**_

_11:15_

_Less texting more getting ready!_

Aiichirou groaned, once again forced into a speed match with his binder. He buttoned his pants just as his phone buzzed again with a message from Nagisa telling him to get outside. He pulled on a coat and stuffed his feet into his shoes, running down the stairs and bursting out into the cold air.

Sure enough, Nagisa was waving from a few yards away, Rei just behind him. They both smiled.

"Hey, Ai-chan!" Nagisa said. Rei pursed his lips and slapped Nagisa over the head.

"_Nagisa_." He said strictly. Nagisa rubbed at his head, smiling apologetically.

"Ahh, I mean, Ai-_kun_." He said. Aiichirou glanced between Rei and Nagisa, then sputtered into a giggle fit.

"I-It's fine, you can call me –chan." He said, pressing a hand over his mouth. Rei adjusted his glasses.

"Are you sure?" he asked, seeming more surprised than was necessary. Aiichirou nodded.

"I don't mind when you guys say it. I know you don't say it to make fun of me, so I don't mind." He said, grinding his heel nervously over the gravel. "But thank you for being so considerate."

Aiichirou clasped his hands behind his back. He wasn't used to people going out of their way to be so respectful. But they were friends, they'd said so. And none of the other boys minded Nagisa's nicknames, not really. So it didn't bother Aiichirou either.

Rei and Nagisa smiled at each other and nodded.

They ended up at the mall and, just as Nagisa had said in his first text, shopped around. Aiichirou really loved being around both Rei and Nagisa, but Nagisa in particular carried a very comfortable space around him. He was shorter than Aiichirou, and simply put, girlier. He liked trying on clothes. He liked screeching over anime. He _loved _cute things. Of all his friends, Nagisa was the most feminine by far.

That didn't stop Nagisa from being undeniably male. If Aiichirou had to guess, it was Nagisa's confidence in himself that proved his male presence despite indulging in stereotypically feminine behavior. Rei had more of a problem with Nagisa's habit of staying close to the edge of common decency than anything to do with his gender role.

Nagisa's hands were filled with clothing he'd picked up from around the store when he dashed into the dressing room, leaving Aiichirou and Rei to themselves.

Aiichirou shuffled his feet nervously. Not that Rei made him uncomfortable, but he wasn't like Nagisa. For one thing, Rei was a lot taller.

"Aiichirou-kun." Rei said, side glancing down at his friend from under the rim of his glasses. Aiichirou hesitantly stared back. Rei looked back towards the dressing room, crossing his arms. He smiled. "I've been thinking about your situation a lot lately." He began. Aiichirou almost couldn't handle how sad he looked. "I thought, it's just not fair. I can't imagine what it feels like. I want to help."

"R-Rei-kun you don't need to…" Aiichirou waved his hands dismissively. Anything to get that sad look off Rei's face. Rei shook his head.

"The butterfly is all I can swim right now, so the butterfly has become something of a symbol to me." He said. He looked less sad now, thank goodness, side glanced at Aiichirou again, then turned his head to look at him properly. "Butterflies start off as rather unbecoming caterpillars, they have to go through hardships that no one can see and will never understand. But they come out more beautiful than ever."

"Rei-kun…" Aiichirou whispered, looking up at the boy. Rei's smile had to be the most beautiful thing Aiichirou had ever seen.

"Perhaps the butterfly's story is a good one to remember when you're in a bad place." He said. Aiichirou was quiet for a few moments, eyes wide and lips parted as if he had things to say, but for once said nothing. He relaxed into a smile, looked at his feet.

"Thank you, I will." He said. He didn't think his smile could ever be a lovely as Rei's, but he tried and it was worth it to see Rei light up.

"Anything I can do to help." He said with a small nod of his head.

Nagisa burst out of the dressing room shouting for his friends and the moment was over, but a piece of it stayed with Aiichirou. He was almost afraid to admit, but he was actually feeling _normal_.

* * *

It was starting to get late. They'd eaten lunch, played in the arcade a bit, but somehow Nagisa had managed to drag them back into another clothing store. Aiichirou had (mistakenly) mentioned not having any properly fitting clothes. He'd always been too uncomfortable with himself to wear anything that wasn't at least several sizes too large for himself. Aiichirou would have sworn there were actual flames in Nagisa's eyes as he grabbed Aiichirou's wrist and tugged him down the mall.

Now Aiichirou was nearly buried under the mountain of clothes Nagisa had thrown at him to try on. Rei kept telling Nagisa to leave Aiichirou alone, but his voice was halfhearted. Aiichirou thought maybe Rei wanted him to get new clothes just as much as Nagisa. His friends were _spoiling_ him.

Aiichirou hadn't particularly liked anything Nagisa had picked out for him. He tried on vests and suit pants and button up shirts, but none of it felt quite right. Aiichirou pressed his lips together, sighed out his nose as he pulled out yet another shirt. He held it in his hands, feeling a bit discouraged. Someone knocked on his dressing room door.

"Ai-chan?" Nagisa asked. Aiichirou's shoulders slumped.

"I-I'm not sure about this Nagisa-kun…none of this stuff...feels right." He said, dropping the shirt in the pile. Nagisa was quiet for a moment.

"Hold on just a second, okay Ai-chan?" he asked. Aiichirou watched Nagisa's feet from under the dressing room door disappear. He leaned back against the wall, tried not to look in the mirror.

When Nagisa returned, articles of clothing flew over the top of the door, hangers clattering over Aiichirou's head followed by a quick apology. Aiichirou looked at the clothing scattered over the floor.

"You kept trying on all this…really manly stuff. Maybe, you'd be more comfortable in something cute?" Nagisa said. Aiichirou hesitated. Nagisa sounded _cautious_, like he might be afraid he was saying the wrong thing. Aiichirou didn't like the idea of dressing 'cute', he didn't want to be cute, but he couldn't say no to Nagisa's earnest efforts.

"I'll try it." He said.

He took a deep breath, looking himself in the mirror. Nagisa had given him a seafoam green v-neck sweater to go with a white button up shirt and tan shorts that felt much shorter than they looked. He took a deep breath, opening the door and walking out to show Nagisa and Rei. They both smiled wide.

"AH!" Nagisa yelled, bouncing over to Aiichirou's side. "How does it feel?" he asked. Aiichirou tugged at the sleeves, he could feel his cheeks burning.

"How does it _look_?" Aiichirou asked, feeling rather uncomfortable with his friends looking him up and down. He wasn't sure he could say it out loud, but he honestly loved this outfit. Nagisa held a thumbs up, Rei imitated him. "R-Really? You guys can be honest, really." He said. Nagisa shook his head.

"You gotta work with what you're born with, me and you aren't like other men! We have the raging cute!" Nagisa argued, raising his pointer finger high as he spoke. "Our only choice to is to utilize and enhance the cute until no one is a match for us!" he put a hand on Aiichirou's shoulder and squeezed. "Don't listen to the media, the ladies _love_ cute! They're gonna be all over you!" he said, a toothy grin on his face. Aiichirou sputtered, trying to find the words to respond with.

"W-Well that's um-"

"Or _gentlemen_." Rei added, adjusting his glasses. Nagisa made a small 'ohhh' sound and nodded his head. Aiichirou took a step back and shook his head, waving his open palms.

"N-No no! I don't want _anyone_ to think I'm attractive." He yelled, and before he could stop himself he was babbling. "Well I mean, except f-for-" he clamped his mouth shut, but it was too late. Both Rei and Nagisa leaned towards him.

"Except for?" they both questioned. Aiichirou flushed, looking away.

"N-No one!" he yelled, but his smile was bright and tickled his cheeks, he couldn't get rid of it! Nagisa's eyes had a devilish sparkle in them.

"Ai-chan has a crush!"

"I-I do not!"

"You do though! Tell me, please tell me who!" Nagisa tugged on Aiichirou's sleeve. Aiichirou hid his face in his hands. He had expected Rei to scold Nagisa, but he looked just as curious, oh no. Aiichirou slid his hands down his face, covered his lips. He glanced from side to side. Why did he feel so _giddy?_ He wasn't in middle school anymore, darnit!

"F-Fine." He said from behind his hands. He couldn't keep it in any longer. "Don't tell anyone but-!"  
he took a deep breath, trying to hold back giggles. "I really like Rin-senpai!" he spoke with a firm voice that firmly _cracked_ at the end, and the giggles kept falling out from behind his hands.

Nagisa all but squeeled, slapping him on the back. Rei's smile was as beautiful as ever. Aiichirou couldn't believe he'd said it.

"Does he know?" Nagisa asked.

"N-No, I could never tell him…" his smile faltered and his giggles died down.

"No nooo! Ai-chan you _need_ to tell him!" Nagisa yelled, taking Aiichirou by the shoulders and shaking him.

"_Nagisa_! It's not your place to say." Rei said, pulling Nagisa off Aiichirou.

Aiichirou sighed. After all that, Nagisa bought him the outfit he'd tried on along with some tights and pink shoe laces. Aiichirou had tried desperately to refuse, but Nagisa bought it all regardless and then flashed wet eyes at Aiichirou saying 'what am I supposed to do with all of this stuff? It's way too big for me to wear!'

Aiichirou really couldn't say no, so he accepted. He came home with a whole new outfit (the first to ever be in his size) and a new pack of boxer briefs. He said goodbye to Rei and Nagisa, thanking them for including him. It meant more than they'd ever understand.

When he returned to his dorm, Rin was laying in his bunk reading.

Rin conveniently left out telling Aiichirou about how he'd gone to Makoto's house after visiting with his sister and had poured his heart out about everything he was feeling for Aiichirou. And Aiichirou made sure to steer clear of explaining why exactly Nagisa had insisted on buying him a new outfit, and more importantly the confession he'd made.

Perhaps most amusing of it all was the betting pool Nagisa had started with the rest of the Iwatobi swim team on who would make the first move. It was a tie, with Makoto and Haruka betting on Rin, and Rei and Nagisa betting on Aiichirou. It was kouhai against senpai!

No one could be entirely sure what was going to happen next.

* * *

_Author's Notes_

Firstly, let me say thank you for all the comments! Even if I haven't responded, I've read them and it means a lot to hear from my readers! It feels like we've come so far already, but theres still at LEAST 5 more chapters to go.

Not much to say about the content of this chapter, other than, ohhh it was sweet huh. Being male doesn't mean you can't be adorable! Use the cute as your weapon. I may or may not have incorporated an old drawing into this chapter woooops check it out yo [ foxygrampaglasses . tumblr post DO COM / 62322281769] I wish there was a more convenient way to link on this website sheesh.

OH and if you haven't, I HIGHLY encourage you to go read the series The Mirror Lied (MTF!Makoto/Haru) on archive of our own [series/55585]. Broke my freakin' heart like DANG. I dunno if I can live up to that. But I'm gonna try!

Happy late coming out day everyone! I'm FTM and asexual! Be proud of who you are! Gender positivity! Sexual positivity! Fuck yeah!

Until next time!

_**-FoxyGrampaGlasses**_


	6. Clouds in his Head, Heaven in his Heart

**CHAPTER 6 - _Clouds in his head, Heaven in his Heart  
_**

* * *

"So I'm pretty sure I love him…and stuff." Rin shrugged from where he sat on the floor, leaning against Makoto's bed. It had been an absolute terror trying to get Ren and Ran out of the room, but by some miracle Makoto had managed with the help of his mother. Haru was on the bed, out of Rin's sight, which was probably for the best. Their history was resolved, but it had happened all the same. Makoto sat next to Rin on the floor, looking deep in thought.

"What now?" Makoto asked, turning his head to look at Rin.

"Ask him out. Get married." Haru said, flipping a page in a magazine he held above his face. Rin bristled, turning, mouth wide open with a remark-

"M-Maybe not, Haru." Makoto said, attempting to diffuse the situation. "Rin, have you actually thought about what you want out of this?" he asked. Rin huffed, falling back down and facing forward. Makoto gave him the quiet space to think, but after a few minutes he started to wonder if Rin had heard him. Then Rin spoke, soft and uncertain.

"He's clingy. He's always nervous. It's hard to touch him, it always feels like I'm _violating_ him. He doesn't keep his side of the room clean. He's _annoying_." Rin said, pushing a hand through his hair. "Is it weird that even though he's a lot of things I hate, I still…I want to _protect_ him? I want to be with him." Rin sighed, tipping his head back to rest on the mattress behind him. Haru let a beat of silence pass before speaking.

"Nitori-kun is trans." Haru said carefully. "That doesn't go away just because you love him." He flipped another page.

"H-Haru that's…" Makoto wanted to reprimand Haru for being so forward, but he couldn't deny it was something Rin needed to think about. Rin's eyes were oddly soft, maybe even a bit watery, as he spoke, hands tucked behind his head.

"I don't understand how anyone can see him as a girl." He frowned, muscles tense. It made him so angry. "I mean, sure his shoulders are kinda round and his hips are a little wide, n-not that I've been looking!" Rin coughed but recovered quickly. "I-I just don't see anything girly about him. I've seen guys handle trauma a lot worse than him, no matter what anyone says he's tough."

"But can you cope with it as well as he does?" Haru said, glancing down at Rin.

"…what?"

"I think Haru means, if you two are in a relationship, you're going to end up worrying about the same things Nitori-kun worries about." Makoto said, his eyes looking off to the side at unseen thoughts still forming. "Things like how people treat him, what people call him, even how he presents himself. That, on top of everything else, will start bothering you too. I've seen you doing it already." He said, a light smirk on his lips. Rin grimaced.

"I mean, yeah, of course that makes sense…" He muttered.

"Can you handle that?" Haru persisted. Rin made a growling sound deep in his throat.

"I don't _know!_" He yelled. He drew in a slow breath, then sighed long and hard. Yelling at his friends who were trying to help was counterproductive. "But I…I want to try." He said, rubbing at his eyes. "Nitori isn't. He's not _weak_, he just gets so much more shit than everyone else. I want to make living fair for him." He said.

"You're not a selfless person, Rin." Haru said, earning a glare from Rin. "But even if you were, I'd still remind you these things are give and take." He said. Makoto's eyes lit up and he nodded.

"Haru's right. If you want to give Nitori-kun protection, what are you looking for in return?" He asked. Rin's eyebrows pinched together. Rin wasn't really sure. What did he want from Nitori? It couldn't be protection. He didn't really need comfort either.

"I think Rin likes protecting people." Haru said, turning a page.

"What?"

"It's not a good enough reason to stay with a person, but I think you like protecting people." Haru repeated, eyes still stuck in his magazine. Rin looked down at his hands, red hair falling in his eyes.

"Yeah…I guess I do." He admitted. Makoto hummed, eyes towards the ceiling as he thought.

"From what I've seen and what I've heard, Nitori-kun doesn't pander to you much." Makoto said. Rin glared, but Makoto just laughed.

"He doesn't leave me alone when I'm angry. I'm not smart, especially when it comes to…_feelings_." Rin grimaced, shaking his head. "I hate that he won't just leave me alone about stuff, but at the same time, I'd be a lot worse off just letting things fester in my head." He sighed. "So even though I hate it, I really appreciate he does that for me." He said. Makoto looked almost proud as Rin put his deeper thoughts into words, he was really starting to grow up. "I have kinda…parasitic thought processes. I don't really get how, but he's always stopping them no matter how angry I get." He said, his voice trailing into silence.

Rin groaned, pressing his hands to his eyes. "And all I've ever done is yell at him and make him feel like shit." He said, rubbing at his face. He felt exhausted. Makoto shared a quick glance with Haru. It was an undeniable truth that any two people who got close to each other would hurt each other. Makoto and Haru knew from experience, love would never be enough to hold two people together.

"You make Nitori-kun happy, too, Rin." Haru said, breaking eye contact with Makoto. Both Rin and Makoto shot him confused looks.

"How do you know that?" Rin frowned. Haru shrugged, though the motion was obscured by the blankets and pillows under him.

"I just do. I see it." Haru answered, pouting slightly. Rin's frown deepened.

"Like…how?" he asked. He didn't believe it. He couldn't deny Aiichirou had some serious hero worship for his senpai, but, that didn't mean Rin made him _happy_. Haru was still for a moment, then put his magazine aside and sat up, cross legged. He looked Rin in the eyes.

"You tell me." was all he said, then crawled off the bed and slipped out of the room, quietly telling them he was going to the bathroom. Makoto and Rin just watched him go, baffled. Haru had a tendency to be unnecessarily cryptic, and even after all these years, it still confused the heck out of his friends.

"B-But-!" Rin sputtered, even though Haru had already left. "But I asked you first!" He yelled at the door. Makoto cracked up, shaking his head.

"I guess he wants you to think about it yourself."

Rin slumped, pulling his knees to his chest. "I. Don't. _Knoooooooow_." He whined, fingers kneading his skull. Makoto stifled his laugher, a sympathetic smile on his face.

"Maybe this is one of those things that you don't need to know, but have to think about." Makoto said. Rin lifted his head to meet Makoto's soft gaze. He felt so damn confused.

"Yeah…" He said, then nodded. "Yeah I'll. I'll think about it." He frowned lightly. Makoto nodded back.

"Give it a couple days."

* * *

Aiichirou stood on his tiptoes, leaning over the sink to get a good look at the purple and red speckled bruise on his forehead, thankfully concealed by his bangs. It had been nearly a week, but it was still a nasty purple color and painfully tender, even his bangs swaying in the wind caused an itchy pain to flair. He sighed, falling back on the balls of his feet, and, even though he knew he'd regret it, looked in the mirror.

His face was so round. His eyes were a beautiful color, but were dulled by the permanent greyish purple bags under his eyes that came from high stress and anxiety on a daily basis. His hair was childish, but it was the only style that felt right. Much longer than this and his face seemed to get rounder, but shorter just looked ridiculous. No, he quite liked this haircut.

He was wearing a baggy T-shirt, something his uncle didn't wear anymore. His feet were tucked into fuzzy socks to defeat the cold bathroom tiles, bare legs with a pair of black boxer briefs around his hips. He didn't bother to wear a binder. Rin was right, he didn't need to hide himself around him.

His lips were so pink, but perfectly chapped. It didn't look like he was growing facial hair anytime soon, and thank goodness for that. Every part of him seemed to be brushed with a soft blush. He hated how cute he looked, as a girl _or_ a boy. He wanted to be handsome, but Nagisa was right. He was just…too cute.

Aiichirou couldn't help smiling, though, as he picked out all the different threads of color in his eyes. Aqua blue, a ring of yellowish brown, a few freckles of nearly white and black. Maybe he wasn't rugged or terribly handsome, but cute didn't have to be an awful thing either.

Aiichirou jumped when Rin banged on the bathroom door.

"Nitori what are you _doing_?" Rin asked. Aiichirou grimaced at the needle, barrel, and testosterone still sitting untouched on the counter.

"Umm…" He hesitated, then opened the door, a sheepish frown on his face. "I-It's time for me to do another shot." He said. Rin pressed his lips together, he looked expectant. Aiichirou's eyes darted around, then fell to the floor. _Oh_. He coughed, hunched his shoulders. "W-Would…would you help me again?" He asked, voice surprisingly steady despite his stutter. Rin's face relaxed into a smile.

"Yeah, sure." He said, pressing the door open and taking a seat on the floor. Aiichirou took a deep breath, stepping around Rin to sit on the toilet.

He felt a bit nervous as he put the needle to the barrel and drew the testosterone. The only other person he'd done this in front of was his uncle. Aiichirou glanced at Rin as he pulled the needle out of the testosterone. Or, it was supposed to be a quick glance, but the smile on Rin's face was captivating and Aiichirou couldn't look away. He flushed, coughed, fumbled with a cotton ball.

He cleaned the skin on his right thigh, a few inches away from where he remembered injecting last. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath. He could hear Rin's clothes rustling.

"I want to do it myself." He said. "But you're still helping me. By being here." He said, pressing his lips together and nodding. Rin leaned back against the wall.

"Okay."

Aiichirou pinched his thigh, needle hovering. "Can you talk to me?" he asked, his small voice sounding loud against the bathroom tiles.

"How are your classes?" Rin asked. Aiichirou had to think about it.

"I'm behind in English…but otherwise I'm doing well."

"No one's giving you trouble?"

"N-No."

"Seriously?"

"Everyone's heard about that boy you beat up. They're too frightened to talk to me much." Aiichirou laughed lightly, taking the light hearted moment to push the needle in.

"Damn straight." Rin laughed. Aiichirou nervously pushed down on the plunger.

"I don't think you should be so proud about hitting someone." Aiichirou sighed, pulling the needle out and discarding it. He smiled big and bright.

"I'm not proud about hitting him…" Rin's voice trailed off. When he didn't speak for a few moments, Aiichirou looked up, but Rin's eyes were on his hands. "I'm proud about _protecting you_." Rin seemed to struggle to lift his eyes.

They stared at each other for what felt like hours. Rin's eyes were narrow, a mixture of fear and uncertainty. Aiichirou's were blown wide and shining. They both drew breathes at the same time, faltered when they saw the other was about to speak, and fell back into silence.

A shrill musical chime rung through the bathroom, both boys yelling out of pure fright. Aiichirou let out a shaky breath, his hand pressed over his heart. Rin looked murderous.

"S-Sorry, senpai, I have to-" Aiichirou grabbed the phone sitting on counter and awkwardly tugged the butt of his underwear back into place as he left the room. He went over to his desk, flipping the phone open and answering the call. He couldn't even say hell before-

"_Ai-chan, have you told him yet?_" Nagisa's animated voice filled Aiichirou's head. He sighed.

"_No_, I haven't, Nagisa-kun." He said, sounding quite sour. "Though if you hadn't called when you did, I _might_ have." He said. Nagisa whined.

"_I'm so sorry!_"

"It's okay." Aiichirou sighed, his lips curving into a soft smile. "It wasn't the right time anyway." He said, grabbing his pants off the floor and tugging them on awkwardly with phone held in between his ear and shoulder. It would have been awful if he'd confessed in their bathroom, having just stuck himself with hormones. How unromantic. Nagisa hummed.

"_But you'll do it right? You have to Ai-chan!_" He said, audibly trying to keep the whine out of his voice. Aiichirou laughed.

"Why are you being so persistent about this?" He asked. There was an awkward pause and Aiichirou wondered if his call had been dropped. "N-Nagisa-kun?"

"_I-It's because love is very important!_" He yelled. Aiichirou pursed his lips and drew back the curtains to look out the window.

"Hmm, yeah that's definitely why." He shook his head. "Text me, I have to go."

Aiichirou let out a happy sigh, a small giggle, as he closed his phone. He fell back onto his desk chair, staring out the window. He pressed his phone to his lips, he wanted to giggle like a mad man. '_If you hadn't called when you did, I might have confessed_.'

He swung his feet, eyes watching the swaying trees outside but not really seeing. What would he have said? What would Rin have said? _I'm proud about protecting you_. Aiichirou could feel his cheeks burning, but he didn't care. No one had ever said anything like that to him. Sure, his uncle loved him and would do anything to help his nephew, but this was so different. This made Aiichirou's stomach flutter and his cheeks burn and his fingers twitch with tiny little sparks of bubbly nervousness.

He'd almost told Rin he loved him.

Aiichirou forced himself to take a slow breath as he heard the bathroom door creak open. In. One, two, three, four. Out. One, two, three, four. He turned his head.

"Rin-senpai-" Aiichirou was cut off by Rin roughly pulling their dorm room door shut as he left the room in a hurry. Aiichirou sat there, mouth open with unsaid words. He drooped, but smiled.

He turned back towards the windows, his toes fidgeting with the fuzzy socks around them. He wanted to go after Rin, but this was one of the few times Aiichirou didn't feel worried about his senpai. He could leave him alone this time.

It was when he'd realized that he left himself open for abuse that his bad habits started becoming more apparent. He'd noticed how he assumed things would never go his way, that he didn't deserve good things. Sometimes the feeling was so strong, he sabotaged himself. Not because he didn't want good things, he just. Couldn't let himself have them.

Aiichirou leaned his shoulder against the back of his chair and just let his mind wander.

It was still a battle for him, but somewhere deep inside, Aiichirou felt as though Rin felt the same way about him. Perhaps Rin saw the confession coming, and perhaps that was why he needed to leave. Aiichirou couldn't be sure, but that was his guess. He looked down at his small, delicate hands.

He wasn't confident. He didn't know if Rin really liked him back, love or anything else regardless, but Rin had said he was proud he'd protected him. He'd looked frightened, like he was telling some deep hidden secret. Aiichirou worried he was reading too deep into things, but, he wanted to believe he was right. He wanted to believe a good thing was happening, and be okay with that.

Aiichirou pulled his feet up onto his seat, pulling his knees in. He felt restless. He wanted to give Rin his space, he _really_ did, but he also _really_ wanted to go find him. He pressed his face to his knees and sighed. He couldn't do it.

So he pulled on a coat and shoes and wrapped a scarf around his neck. Worst case scenario, he just goes for a walk to settle himself. No harm done.

He kept his hands in his pockets as he walked outside. The cold was biting, and the wind was light but stinging. The sky was just starting to turn from an icy blue to a soft purple as the sun began to set. Leaves were dancing around the concrete, brushing passed students' feet. Aiichirou felt at peace with this scenery, and the steady beat of his heart.

Little whispers just under the scrape of leaves were finding his ears, though. He refused to make eye contact with any of the other students making their way back to the dorms.

"-_heard he's not actually a boy_."

"_shouldn't be allowed_-"

"_Who does she think she is_?"

Aiichirou grimaced. This student in particular was talking loud on purpose. He _wanted _Aiichirou to hear. But Aiichirou wouldn't take the bait. He kept walking forward, not looking at anyone. He heard more whispering, but refused to recognize the words. Whispers became shouts and suddenly two hands were pushing against his back.

Aiichirou gasped, curling in on himself as he fell, hands pressed to his head.

"-_fragile_."

Aiichirou was disoriented, his hands searching for the ground. Heavy fabric fell over his face as he sat up, a chorus of obnoxious laughter greeting him as he pulled the clothing off him. In his hands was a baby pink seifuku, complete with stiff ribbon tied under the collar. Aiichirou's entire face twisted into an awful glare. His eyes shot up to the boy.

"Sorry about pushing you." He said, voice heavy with sarcasm. "I should know to be more delicate with a lady. You should really go change into the right uniform, wouldn't want people to think you're something you're _not_."

Aiichirou was impressed with how quickly he was on his feet, staring this boy down. He wanted to hit him. He really wanted to, but Aiichirou could never bring himself to violence. It was never okay to hit someone unless for self defense, _never_. He pushed the student away and threw the seifuku back in his face.

"As much as I wish boys could wear skirts, the school would have a fit, so I really _can't_ put that on." Aiichirou said, turning on his heel and walking long strides back towards the dorms. "If you have a problem with that, maybe you ought to protest by wearing it yourself. As for me, I'm perfectly fine with wearing pants. _Now leave me alone_."

Aiichirou tugged his scarf over his mouth as he walked away. What a _piece of shit_. The entire courtyard was silent the entire time it took Aiichirou to get back to the dorm entrance and shut the door behind him.

"Ai!"

Aiichirou turned back towards the door to see Rin running towards him. His senpai stepped right up to him and threw his arms around him. Aiichirou gasped, face flushed. Rin pressed his head to Aiichirou's shoulder.

"That was _awesome_." Rin said. Aiichirou shivered.

"W-What…? You heard that?" He asked. Rin squeezed him tight, then let go. He looked flustered, a frown on his face. He rubbed at the back of his head nervously.

"I wanted to step in but. I didn't want you to think you couldn't take care of yourself. Or something." He shrugged. "Doesn't matter, because _damn_, shots _fired_." Rin's frown morphed into a smile that covered a light laugh. Aiichirou stared, wide eyed with cold bitten cheeks. He laughed nervously, looked at his feet.

"Do you mean that?" he asked, more to himself than Rin.

"Heck yeah I mean it. I'm impressed." Rin's smile widened. Aiichirou glanced around. The lobby was nearly empty of people. He met Rin's eyes.

"You don't think I'm…I mean. I always thought…" Aiichirou shook his head, took a deep breath to gather his thoughts. When he spoke again, his voice was soft and shy. "I always thought…you grew into such a great looking man." He felt his cheeks burn but kept going. "So tall and muscular and what a great jaw line and that cocky confidence, I was _jealous_." Aiichirou hesitantly brought his eyes back up to Rin. "I wanted…to become a man you'd be proud of." He smiled, small and meek. Rin lifted a single brow, laughing.

"What?" he asked. Aiichirou panicked, his blood running cold. Rin recognized the look on his friend's face and shook his head. "No, no. I mean. It's just funny 'cause, you've always been a man _everyone_ should be proud of. You're more of a man than me, being able to walk away from something like that."

"Rin-I don't-I mean I-" Aiichirou bit his lip, his lips pressing into his cheeks in a bright smile. He could say so many things. He could deny the praise. He could give Rin a bullet point list of reasons that wasn't true. He could babble on about absolutely nothing and pretend he hadn't heard. He sucked in a breath and "Thank you, Rin." He said, fingers fidgeting with his scarf. Rin's soft smile lasted a few beats before turning dark.

"But I swear next time I'll kill them. All of them." He said, grinding his teeth. Aiichirou pressed a hand to his lips and giggled.

"No you won't." He laughed. They slowly began to make their way up the stairs and back to their dorm.

Their knuckles brushed as they walked, and yet again it was impossible to tell who had started it, but their hands folded around each other's nonetheless. Rin grumbled.

"Okay maybe not kill them. Just a little. Maiming." He said, shrugging his shoulders. Aiichirou pouted.

"Senpai, _no!_" He chided. "If you keep getting in fights you'll get kicked off the swim team."

"Can't have that." Rin said, looking at Aiichirou from the corner of his eye. "I mean, what in the world would you do without me at swim practice?" He smiled. Aiichirou glared, flicking him in the shoulder.

If their fingers were laced, and Rin had trouble untangling his hand from Aiichirou's when they got to the dorm, well neither of them said anything about that, so it really didn't happen at all.

Aiichirou texted Nagisa later that night, fighting giggles as he typed.

"_Rin held my hand again tonight._"

Aiichirou actually had to turn his phone off because Nagisa kept sending text after excited text. As much as he appreciated his friend's support, it was late. He bid Nagisa goodnight and promised to talk to him tomorrow.

It probably would have been good to know that Nagisa was just nervous about losing his bet, but then again Aiichirou really didn't need to know about that.

* * *

_Author's Notes-_

Yooooo finally updating. Just so you all know, it's 3:30 AM. Hella. This chapter was pretty much entirely impromptu, just kinda threw the chapter plans aside, and thank god for that trust me. I hope you all are enjoying it! Your comments and reviews keep me going thank you very kindly.

I hope you all have a lovely night.

_**-FoxyGrampaGlasses**_


	7. Someone Find This Kid a Map Please

**CHAPTER 7 - _Someone Find This Kid a Map Please_**

* * *

Rumors had burst throughout the school like flames fed with oil. Aiichirou tried desperately not to notice, but it was as if the quieter words were spoken, the less he could ignore them. The truth had been so warped it started to sound like poorly written manga.

Stories were being passed around like the news in the local paper. Aiichirou's name could be heard among a heroic tale of a young woman who had snuck into Samezuka, disguised as a male student, in search of her long lost brother. He'd heard a few kids talking about how much of a pervert Aiichirou was for 'sneaking' into an all boys' school, which was ridiculous considering all the yelling his Uncle had done with the school board. There had been no sneaking of any sort.

One boy had even claimed he saw Aiichirou in drag. When asked where he'd seen such a thing, the boy had stammered for nearly a minute before yelling 'the maid café the swim team did for the cultural festival of course!' His friends were quick to remind him that _all_ of the swim team's underclassmen were in dresses, and the maid café was a long held tradition. Aiichirou didn't even try hiding his laughter as he got up from his desk and walked right out of the classroom. If only all of the rumors could have been so harmless.

Even his teachers were gossiping now, if their shifty gazes and hesitant –kun's meant anything. But that was just Japan. Sure, people talked, but nothing was ever acknowledged. And maybe Aiichirou was being buried under the constant whispers and angry looks and just an atmosphere that seemed to consider him a monster- but no one was going to make him _leave_. No one was going to stand up and speak their mind. No, that would just be _impolite_. Instead, they would all conspire under the veil of normalcy, poking and prodding at Aiichirou in any way they could without having to actually acknowledge their prejudice. Maybe they didn't even realize what they were doing.

They didn't want him _gone_, they wanted him to _just please_ _be like everyone else_.

There were some rumors, however, that were working in his favor. Ridiculous stories about a certain shark toothed second year that would chew your arm off if you got too close to his 'girlfriend.' Aiichirou had pressed a flat hand to his mouth and blushed fiercely when he heard that one. He wondered if Rin had heard any of the stories. If he had, Rin was completely unbothered by them, which only made Aiichirou even more flustered.

Any rumors about Rin were undoubtedly spread by Aiichirou's assailant, a third year named Yamada Ken. Mikoshiba had him kicked off the swim team without hesitation or mercy. Aiichirou wasn't necessarily proud of himself for it, but he'd pleaded with Mikoshiba to keep the boy on the team. Both Rin and Mikoshiba had looked at him with the purest rage he'd ever seen, so he shut his mouth and stared at his feet as Mikoshiba went to finalize it with their supervisor.

It wasn't that he had forgiven Yamada, he hadn't. He knew what Yamada had done wasn't something to be forgiven. He _knew_ that but- He couldn't help it. It made him uncomfortable, _upset_ even. Admitting Yamada needed to face consequences only seemed to cement the reality that Aiichirou had been wronged. He was a part of the statistic now. And deep down, no matter how much he told himself that he didn't, he still believed he had deserved it, he was to blame.

Rin had glared at him for some time, as if he knew exactly what Aiichirou was thinking. Aiichirou felt oddly unable to speak, words and thoughts piling up until his head was aching, but still he couldn't seem to say any of it.

That night he left swim practice early do he could visit with his uncle. He didn't particularly want to leave Rin's side, and by the looks of it, Rin didn't want him to leave either. But he needed to see his uncle, so he bid the team farewell and trekked to the nearest bus stop. Rin made Aiichirou promise to text him once he met up with his uncle. Before the incident with Yamada, Aiichirou might have thought it sweet or even endearing, but now it was closer to necessity.

So when he got off the bus and spotted his uncle's shiny bald head, he waved him over with one hand and sent Rin a quick text with the other.

"Michio-ojisan!" Aiichirou called, waving and sliding his phone into his pocket. His uncle slipped passed a few other pedestrians to get to Aiichirou and high-fived his nephew's outstretched hand.

"Hey kid, good to see you." He smiled wide. He rubbed at the three hoops pierced through the cartridge of his left ear. "Want something to eat while we talk?" He asked. Aiichirou looked around nervously.

Uncle Nitori Michio, brother to Nitori Aiichirou's father, was quite the character. His hair fell out when he was only 28, but he proudly sported his baldness, sometimes even sprinkling festive glitter over his head. His ears were decorated with nearly a pound of jewelry. His clothes were thrift store bargain bin purchases, his leather boots patched with scraps of clothing too worn to wear. Sometimes, like today, his nails would be painted electric blue to, he would say, spark a smile all day long. Bent metal glasses rested low on his nose. His teeth were a bit crooked. If you asked him about it, he'd tell you about a vicious bar fight that happened the first time he'd ever used a fake ID in highschool. You might say, "but how does that explain your teeth?" He'd laugh, throw his head back and clutch his stomach. "The other guy ripped out my braces", he'd tell you. "I'm still too poor to replace them."

Michio was a very dear person to Aiichirou. He'd even say he owed his uncle his life. This poor, battered man stuck in a punk phase was everything to Aiichirou. Which was why he felt so uncomfortable letting Michio buy him dinner. He shuffled his feet nervously.

"Can you…afford that?" He winced. Michio shrugged.

"Sure I can! Besides, I barely see you now that you're in boarding school." He smiled warm and wide. "So come on, let's get something warm to eat."

Aiichirou followed his uncle into a small McDonalds. They both ordered cheap sandwiches, not mentioning that even this might be too much for Michio to spend on dinner. They found a booth next to the windows and settled down.

"I think you're taller than me now." Michio said, unwrapping his burger with a cheerful smile. Aiichirou let out a breath of laughter as he took his own sandwich. He felt so guilty. The monthly tuition Michio paid for Aiichirou's schooling included meals, so it wasn't like he needed this.

"Maybe a little." He said, fidgeting with the wrapper on his burger, a meek smile on his lips. Michio ate a few careful bites, watching his nephew. He swallowed, put his burger down and gave Aiichirou his full attention.

"How's school?" He asked. Aiichirou almost though it was comical how such a mundane question was now the heaviest one he could think of. He looked down at his hands, lips parted, words stuck. He could feel his head starting to hurt again. Michio sighed. "That bad?" he said. Aiichirou bit his lip.

"My binder ripped while I was swimming." He choked on the words, but pushed them out. Michio's eyes popped, his mouth falling open.

"Aiichirou." He said, face blank, but anger very real in his voice. Aiichirou shook his head.

"N-Nothing happened! I mean, Seijuro-senpai and Rin-senpai took care of me. T-They've been very good to me." He said, small hands curled into tight fists on the table. Michio's eyebrows were ever so slightly pulled downward, a gentle scowl on his face.

"Be honest with me." He said. And that icy concern, the absolute no nonsense tone of his voice, was more than enough. Aiichirou's fists loosened and tightened nervously.

"E-Everyone on the team saw, but Seijuro-senpai lectured them all." He explained. Michio rested his chin on his raised hand as he listened to his nephew. "Everyone in the school knows now." He said. Michio winced, but said nothing. "But I don't think anyone's reported it, I haven't been talked to at the very least." He said, his eyes sliding back down to his hands. Michio sucked a deep breath in through his nose.

"I haven't heard anything from the school either, so that's…" Michio's voice trailed off. He shook his head, looked out the window. "That's not _good_ exactly, but you're not in trouble." He sighed loudly. "Your principal should be aware of something like this, reported or not. He should be aware and he should _do something_." He ground his teeth, pressing a hand over his eyes.

"But even if they knew…They wouldn't do anything good for _me_." Aiichirou said. His shoulders slumped, his chest suddenly feeling heavy. "It's best this way…" He squeezed his eyes shut to avoid the pained look on his uncle's face. Michio rubbed at his head, ate another bite of his burger. Aiichirou opened his eyes slowly.

"I'm talking with your principal." Michio said, shoving the last of his burger in his mouth. Aiichirou's eyes snapped up to his uncle's, his mouth agape and stammering.

"W-Wha-_Ojisan_ you can't-!"

"I actually can, and I will." Michio spoke pointedly, pressing the empty burger wrapper into a tight ball. Aiichirou shook his head.

"No, no no, no you can't! I-If the school actually receives a complaint, I mean, you _know_ how these things turn out so why would you think that's a good idea!?" Aiichirou sucked in a deep breath, he was _panicked_.

"You go to a school that not only allows but practically forces boys to dress as _maids_ and serve the rest of the _male_ student body." He said, very serious with just the tiniest spark of anger in his eyes. "It may have taken some yelling, but they _did_ allow you to attend even though you're not their idea of male."

"But if you keep pushing the issue-" Aiichirou shook his head. He wasn't entirely sure what would happen, but there was absolutely no way it could be good. Michio suddenly looked very old, very tired. All the tiny wrinkles around his weathered eyes seemed to deepen. Aiichirou snapped his mouth shut.

"I've done my best to get all of those old ways of thinking your parents taught you out of your head, Aiichirou. But there's some new ways of thinking I'd like to show you, too." He said, leaning forward. "I _never _want you to settle. I understand if you don't think you can do that, if you'd rather just keep trying to stay safe. But _I_ can't settle. And I don't want you to either." Michio held eye contact for a few more beats, then sighed, leaning back on the puffy booth seat. Aiichirou folded his hands over each other, stretching out his fingers. Michio's words stung. They were so painfully true, Aiichirou wasn't sure he wanted to be that confrontational.

Michio let the subject drop, but he'd brought an arsenal of other (equally stressful) topics that needed to be addressed. Michio was still working on getting custody of Aiichirou. Fighting his parents was no small matter, and, for Aiichirou, avoiding them had proven a struggle as well. Aiichirou was so thankful for the dorms, which only students could enter. Michio gave him a poorly drawn calendar with his next doctor's appointments, mentioned that they were going to up his next dose of testosterone, reminded him to change any of the appointments that conflicted with swim practice. They talked about money. Michio was running out of savings, but a donation jar had been set up on the front desk of his work and that was helping. He made it clear that he couldn't afford to buy Aiichirou a new swim binder, they were just too expensive. He also couldn't afford new shoes for his nephew, or clothing that actually fit him. Aiichirou couldn't help smiling fondly. Michio raised an eyebrow, a tentative smile on his lips.

"What's that look for?" He asked, eyes sparkling with amused confusion. "You haven't smiled this entire conversation, but I tell you I can't buy you new clothes and suddenly you're all smiles?" He said. Aiichirou giggled, fidgeting with his jacket sleeves.

"I've…made some new friends." His smile widened. "Nagisa-kun made me go shopping with him. I tried to refuse, but he bought me some new clothes anyway." He explained. Michio looked stunned, a lop-sided smile slowly growing on his face.

"_What_." He said, joyfully surprised. Aiichirou laughed, crossing his arms on the table. He nodded his head.

"Nagisa-kun is an old friend of Rin-senpai's." He said, his smile turning fond. "In fact, all of Rin-senpai's old teammates were in our pool when…when my binder ripped. They saw too, but they've been so kind to me." He said, his cheeks rosy. He still couldn't believe it. These five boys, five men, he could call each and every one of them a friend. A puff of laughter left Michio's lips, he almost sounded hysterical.

"Aiichirou that-that's _great!_" He laughed. Aiichirou nodded, nervously combing his bangs with his fingers. His bashfulness faded though, his smile relaxing. He pressed his lips together. Yes he loved his friends, he never expected to ever _have_ friends, but he couldn't help the way his thoughts turned to Rin. His journal entries weren't enough to keep his secret sated, he could feel it coming. _Word vomit_.

Michio noticed the pensive look on his nephew's face and calmed himself, waiting patiently for Aiichirou to speak. Aiichirou wasn't sure he wanted to talk about Rin, but as soon as he opened his mouth to take a breath, all of his thoughts were gushing out.

"B-But I think I like Rin-senpai. Like…_like_ like." Aiichirou dropped his head into his hands. Had he really just said that? He was vaguely aware that he was on the verge of hyperventilating, and that Michio was trying to speak to him, but words just kept pouring out. "At first I just liked him because he looked so manly and it was everything I ever wanted for myself and he was so scary and mean at first but I thought if I could just help him maybe-_maybe_-and it worked! He's so kind. He really sees me as a boy even with my voice and my body and-and-and he's always _protecting_ me-" Aiichirou gasped, finally out of breath. Small tears were shining in his eyes and his hands were shaking. Michio was still trying to get a word in, but Aiichirou wasn't quite finished. He pulled his hands under the table to hide his nervous shaking. "I don't know what I'd do without him, Ojisan." He sniffed, using his palm to rub at his unshed tears. Michio's eyes softened as a wistful look came over him. He crossed his arms, waiting a moment to make sure Aiichirou had said all he needed. Aiichirou entirely missed the smug expression that passed over Michio's face just before he spoke.

"You know, I've been talking with Seijuro-kun too." He said, meeting Aiichirou's eyes. "He didn't tell me about your binder ripping, but he seemed to think your relationship with Rin was pretty damn important." He said, chuckling warmly. Aiichirou's eyes were blown wide, glancing from side to side nervously.

"W-What did he say?" Aiichirou asked, wincing as he choked on his own spit. Michio pressed his lips together, trying to suppress his laughter, but then all amusement disappeared and he was staring blankly at his nephew.

"Seijuro-kun ships you." He said. Aiichirou sputtered helplessly.

"_Excuse me?_" He gasped. Michio shrugged.

"Ships you. Like, he supports you guys in a romantic relationship?" He gestured vaguely to nothing, glaring at thoughts only he could hear.

"I _know_ what shipping is, I'm asking-I mean-_UGHHHH_." Aiichirou groaned and pressed his hands to his eyes. "_Why?_" He asked. Michio leaned back, crossing his arms, deep in thought.

"Well I think the most obvious thing he told me about was seeing you two love birds holding hands." He said, a row of crooked teeth peeking from under his huge grin. Aiichirou's eyes popped open, peering just over the tips of his knuckles.

"_No_."

"Yeah, actually." Michio said, licking his upper lip and nodding his head. He seemed to be enjoying Aiichirou's embarrassment all too much. Aiichirou sunk back in his seat, too red and stunned to speak. Michio pursed his lips for a moment as a thought passed through his head. "Why are you so embarrassed about this?" He asked. Aiichirou squirmed.

"R-Rin and I aren't _together_." He said. "He was only holding my hand b-because…" Aiichirou trailed off, not wanting to reveal how much he was being bullied. His mouth hung open, shifting around unspoken words. He coughed. "I mean not everyone has been as nice as Rin and Seijuro, and now that everyone knows, Rin's just, he was just _worried_." He nodded his head. "_Nothing_ more."

Michio desperately tried not to openly laugh at his nephew, but failed spectacularly. "Aiichirou, _really?_" He shook his head, shoulders still shaking with silent laughter. "Have you honestly ever heard of two highschool boys that just held hands because they were _worried_ about each other?" He said. Aiichirou frowned.

"No…but that's just because-" He forgot everything he was going to say when he saw the dark look clouding over his uncle's eyes. "Ojisan…?" He asked. Michio sighed out his nose.

"It's because, for some ridiculous reason, people think because they have certain body parts they have to act a certain way. They bully anyone who doesn't follow the rules, they bully _themselves_." Michio gave Aiichirou a pointed look that made him sink lower in his seat. "You'll never see two guys being touchy because no one will just fucking _let_ them, not even themselves."

"Michio…" his name ghosted passed Aiichirou's lips. He didn't know what to say, because he knew it was true. Michio shook his head.

"So if he let himself hold your hand, you must be pretty special." He said, smiling though neither of them were happy. Aiichirou felt ashamed. Of what, he wasn't entirely sure. Maybe, he'd let his uncle down because he was trying to be a part of this system. He was trying to follow rules that couldn't ever apply to him, and didn't even make sense to the people they were made for.

Aiichirou fidgeted with the hem of his jacket sleeve, unable to look his uncle in the eye. He glanced out the window. The sun had set. He needed to get back to his dorm. He looked back to the untouched burger in front of him. He slid it carefully towards his uncle.

"I don't need it." He said, then added "I'm not hungry, and I…really need to get back to the dorms."

Michio nodded. He took his time pocketing the sandwich and pushing himself onto his feet. Aiichirou followed cautiously. Their conversation had left both of them fragile. Michio held the door open for his nephew, and just as Aiichirou turned to wave goodbye, he wrapped his arms around him tight. Aiichirou jumped, but Michio knew better, and held on until his nephew settled into the hug.

"Be safe, Aiichirou." He spoke fondly as he let go. Aiichirou smiled timidly, nodding.

"I will."

* * *

Rain had just begun falling as Aiichirou found the bus stop shelter. He sat on the bench, pulling his hood over his head and zipping up his jacket. He pressed his knees together, made himself as small as possible. He pulled out his phone, hoping to distract himself. His inbox icon was lit up.

He opened the messages, all from Rin. Just short things like 'how's it going?' and 'you alright?' and 'text me when you're on your way back.' Aiichirou blushed, his eyes glancing up to watch the rain. There was no doubt Rin was indeed worried, but. Maybe Michio was right, and it meant more than Aiichirou would let himself believe. Or maybe he was overthinking this, and Michio was a sad old man with nothing better to do than involve himself in his nephew's love life. Aiichirou sighed. He hoped staring at the light rain might wash away his sticky thoughts, but some thoughts were more like stains.

His eyes fell back to his phone. He typed out a reply telling Rin he was waiting for the bus. He cradled his phone in his two hands, resting in his lap, messages from Rin filling the screen. He had so many things he wanted to say to Rin, so many things he'd just barely been keeping to himself for months. He sunk into his jacket, holding the warm fabric over his nose to keep his face warm.

"I guess," He whispered to no one but himself. "The thing to ask myself is, is it worth it?" He sighed, letting go of his jacket. There was evidence, perhaps even strong evidence, that Rin might just see him as more than a friend. Maybe. Aiichirou honestly believed even if Rin didn't return the feeling, he wouldn't let it ruin their friendship. Maybe it would be weird for a while, but. He'd proven friendship was really important to him. So, it would probably be okay if he just-

Before he knew it, he was on the bus, nearly back to school, regretting having let himself speak his mind for once in the form of a text message that read:

'_Why did you hold my hand?_'

Aiichirou nearly screamed when he felt his phone buzz, Rin's response lighting up. He pressed a hand to his face, took a deep breath, and read the message.

'_when are you going to be back_'

Aiichirou's stomach dropped. Oh god he was going to be sick and _fuck_ he did it again-

'_Are you ignoring my question…?_'

Aiichirou spent the time in between sending his text and receiving a response resisting the urge to bash his head against the window repeatedly. His hands were shaking as he unlocked his screen to view the message.

'_fuck ai no i just dont want to talk about it in a text. give me some credit_.'

Aiichirou leaned his head against the cool, moist glass window. His face was burning with embarrassment. Anxiety was bubbling deep in his stomach, he felt like a bundle of nerves. Maybe he could just, sleep out in the courtyard. No reason to see Rin, none at all!

Aiichirou sighed long and loud, hugging his arms around himself. He had no idea what Rin would say. He had no idea what to _prepare_ himself for. He knew he needed to calm down, but scenarios kept playing through his head, all ending with him in some kind of tears. He wasn't ready. He'd just ruined everything.

RUINED

_EVERYTHING_

Aiichirou pulled the bell as the bus neared Samezuka, and his knees nearly buckled when he got up. He nervously thanked the driver and stumbled off the bus. He took several deep breathes, listening to the whirring bus engine fade away as it drove off. The rain was falling much harder now, he could feel it soaking his jacket, but he was frozen.

He jumped, feeling his phone buzzing in his jacket pocket. He pulled it out.

"H-Hello-"

"_Are you almost back_?" Rin asked, sounding rather agitated. Aiichirou looked around nervously. He could see the Samezuka front gate from where he stood, street lamps lighting the darkening street in front of him and illuminating the falling rain. Aiichirou's head felt fuzzy, as if he'd forgotten how to speak. He gulped.

"I'm almost there." He said.

"_What? Speak up._" Rin growled. Aiichirou coughed.

"I'm almost there!" He said, forcing himself to speak louder. He could hear Rin sigh over the phone. A beat of silence. "Is…something wrong?" He asked. Rin sighed dramatically.

"_Just get back here okay we can talk then_." He said. Aiichirou could hear exhaustion in his voice, and a certain tightly held self-control that he knew Rin couldn't manage for too long. He smiled weakly.

"Okay, I'll be there in a minute." He said, walking down the sidewalk.

"_Thanks_." Rin said, sounding all too relieved. "_See you then_."

Aiichirou hesitantly ended the call and dropped his phone into his pocket. His heart was pounding slow but hard, right against his ribcage. Each beat seemed to knock the air right out of his lungs.

What had he _done?_ What was waiting for him? Stupid _Michio_, putting thoughts in his head. Yes, he would blame Michio for this, without a doubt it was his meddlesome uncle's fault.

Aiichirou surprised himself by walking all the way up the dormitory stairs without tripping once. He walked right down the hallway and stood in front of the door, his fingers twitching. He wasn't ready. Rin was waiting on the other side of the door, probably stretched out on his bunk. Rin wanted to talk. He had things he wanted to say. Things that had to do with Aiichirou acknowledging that they had held hands.

Aiichirou's mouth was dry and his heart was about to punch right through his chest, but somewhere in the haze he was able to take the doorknob in hand and push it open.

"I'm back." He said, voice crumbling apart with nervousness. Rin, who was actually sitting in his desk chair, shot up, mouth wide open, but stopped himself. He snapped his mouth shut. They stared at each other. Rin broke eye contact, falling back into his chair.

"Hey." He said, voice softer than Aiichirou had ever heard it. He stared, wide eyes stuck on Rin as he pushed the door shut behind him. His fingertips lingered on the door for a moment.

"Rin-se-" Aiichirou choked on his words as Rin's eyes shot up to meet his. He gulped. "Rin, are you-what's wrong…?" He asked, quickly peeling off his wet jacket. Rin frowned, he looked miserable.

Aiichirou threw his jacket over Rin's head onto his desk, knocking a few things over, not that he could care at the moment. He kneeled in front of Rin, sitting seiza directly in front of his friend's feet. He caught Rin's gaze.

"Rin…?" He whispered. Rin looked lost. His mouth kept opening and closing, unable to speak. His eyes flashed from anger to fear to melancholy so quickly Aiichirou couldn't keep track. Aiichirou gulped. Words were piling up in his head. He knew there was no way all of it made sense, but Rin wasn't saying _anything_ and he-

Aiichirou threw a hand over his mouth. Rin was _upset_ now was not the time for word vomit!

Rin scrunched his eyebrows, confusion very apparent on his face. "…Ai?" He asked, squinting, as if looking close would make things clearer. Aiichirou pressed his hand firmer against his mouth, shaking his head. Rin frowned, and to Aiichirou's horror, dug his fingers in between his mouth and hand, prying his hand away from his face. Aiichirou grimaced for a moment, and just like that the flood gates broke.

"I'm sorry I asked about holding hands, I just, I feel so safe around you and-I was talking with my uncle. He said. Well, I mean, I thought this too. But he said, you know, boys don't really hold hands without a really good reason? B-Because of…everyone being jerks about it?" Aiichirou coughed nervously, but he certainly couldn't stop now. Especially considering the fact that Rin's hand was still clasped around his own. He sucked in a shaky breath.

"I'm not saying it right, but you know what I mean. So I just had to ask! I don't want to overthink things and get the wrong ideas in my head. Because, holding hands is, well it reminds me of things _b-boyfriends_ might do-" He knew he was being ridiculous. Rin didn't look any less confused. "I-I probably shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry. I just. I want to keep…holding…hands?" Aiichirou wheezed a little, his face flushing. "But you're my best friend! Whatever…we are! I just want to be by your side! Whatever you let me be to you so-"

Rin's confusion was finally replaced by a gentle smile. Rin pressed Aiichirou's hand right back over his mouth, effectively ending the word vomit. The smile on Rin's face was one Aiichirou had never seen before. It was warm and gentle and everything Rin never let anyone see.

"You want to be my boyfriend?" He asked, letting Aiichirou's hand go. Aiichirou's fingertips lingered over his lips. He felt dizzy and his face was burning, but he nodded vigorously.

"_Yes_." He answered without hesitation. He could feel tears in his eyes. Rin winced.

"Please don't cry." He said. Aiichirou blinked a few times, rubbed at his eyes.

"B-But I thought-"

"It _is_ okay to cry, just. Not right now. Cause you don't need to. Okay?" Rin asked, leaning down. Aiichirou tilted his head upwards, his lips slightly parted. They stared at each other, the seconds ticking away like hours. Aiichirou's free hand curled into fists over his knees. He could do this. He was going to say it. Aiichirou and Rin spoke right over eachother.

"_I really like you!"_

Wide eyes, held breath. They were mumbling and babbling and talking over each other, neither entirely sure of what the other boy had just said.

"I-I'm what did you-"

"Did-"

"_Say?"_

"No, Ai, what did you-"

"Sorry sorry-"

"Just-"

Could you-"

"_SHUT THE FUCK UP AIICHIROU_."

Aiichirou squeaked, clamping his mouth shut. Rin was visibly shaking, his cheeks flushed, eyebrows drown down in a harsh glare.

"I SAID I THINK I REALLY LIKE YOU." He yelled, even though the room was silent now. He kept his eyes on Aiichirou, staring him down. Aiichirou, for once in his life, couldn't think of anything to say. Rin looked like he was being tortured. "God _dammit_ say something, Ai!" He said.

"I-" He spoke, forcing words out. "said-I really like Rin!" He yelled. They both stared at each other, red faced, nerves bunched. Aiichirou's eyes fell to the carpet underneath his folded legs. He picked the fibers absent mindedly, frowning lightly. "I'm not really sure how everything would work out, I mean I didn't think you liked guys but even if you did I'm kind of lacking in all the more important parts and I'm sure it's really confusing, I'm sorry, but I like you a lot and I just-I want to try to make it work cause I-"

"_Aiichirou._" Rin said, cutting him off. Aiichirou lifted his eyes just as Rin grabbed his other hand, leaned down and knocked their foreheads together. "You're being annoying." He said, his words lacking any bite. Aiichirou blinked a few times. He could feel the heat of Rin's blush, and smell the shampoo he used in his hair. Aiichirou gulped.

"R-Rin…" He said, his exhale filling the space between his and Rin's lips. Rin hummed lightly and leaned back.

"Right, sorry." He said, squeezing Aiichirou's hand.

"I don't-I don't understand what…?" He said, thought disjointed and sentences left to ruin. "Are we…?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong," and there was that goofy, adorable smile Aiichirou had seen earlier. "but we both just admitted to liking each other. And you kind of agreed to be my boyfriend?" Rin said. Aiichirou shook his head.

"B-But don't you care about…I'm not-I-_I don't have a penis,_ Rin." He said, his fingers nestled perfectly among Rin's. His heart was breaking. This was, it was everything he wanted, but still, he felt so insecure. "Are you really okay with that…?" He asked, desperately trying to keep the pain off his face and failing spectacularly. Rin shifted his hands, lacing their fingers together.

"No I don't mind." He said. His voice was strong, confident, there was no doubt. Aiichirou's eyes were so suddenly full of tears he didn't have any time to even think about holding them back. He lifted his head, tears pouring down his cheeks. Rin smiled painfully, using his free hand to rub at Aiichirou's tears. "It won't be easy, but when has that ever stopped me?" He said. Aiichirou smiled wide, sniffing loudly. Rin let go of his hand, wrapping his strong arms around Aiichirou's much smaller frame. He held him, his shirt soaking up joyful tears. Aiichirou gagged on his own breaths, grabbing fistfuls of Rin's shirt.

"I never though anyone would be so kind to me." He said, a wet cough following. Rin rubbed his back gently, channeling everything he knew about crying youngsters.

"I'm just giving you what you deserved all along." He took a long breath, stalling, then spoke. "But I'm so glad I'm the one who gets to give it to you." He said. Aiichirou rubbing his face against Rin's shirt, his smile absolutely giddy. It was new and it was scary, but Rin was promising to work through it with him. Together.

* * *

_Author's Notes-_

SORRY FOR THE WAIT. I just started my new job, and it's awful, and I haven't had much free time to work on this fic. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be out, I'm afraid it might be a while. Stay strong! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

_**-FoxyGrampaGlasses**_


	8. Hide and Go Seek

**CHAPTER 8 - _Hide and Go Seek_**

* * *

"So-" Rin said. Aiichirou leaned into his side, smiling warm and bright.

"We're dating!" He yelled excitedly.

His enthusiasm slowly trickled away as he took in the rather pensive stares of the four boys sitting around their food court table. Aiichirou blinked nervously. Rin frowned, crossed his arms. The rumbling chatter from the other patrons in the mall filled their ears, but the lack of response was deafening.

"_What?"_ Rin asked gruffly. Haruka placed his hands firmly on the tabletop, learning forward.

"We all knew you would end up together." He said. Rin grimaced as if he smelled something foul. Aiichirou just quirked a single eyebrow curiously.

"Your inevitable romantic relationship was never a question!" Nagisa added, following Haruka's lead and leaning in towards the couple. Makoto and Rei exchanged pained expressions.

"What we all want to know is-" Haruka continued. Nagisa shot up from his chair onto his feet, pointing dramatically at Rin and Aiichirou.

"Who made the first move!?" He yelled. A _hush_ fell over the crowd.

Aiichirou and Rin stared at Nagisa, then at each other. Rin furrowed his brow. Aiichirou pursed his lips.

"I don't think there _was_ a 'first move', Nagisa-kun." Aiichirou said, sliding his eyes back to his hyperactive friend. Nagisa looked positively _offended,_ a sharp gasp pulled from his chest. He fell back into his chair as if he'd been struck in the head. Makoto sighed, his stiff shoulders relaxing. Haruka's eyes were wide.

"No first move?" He asked, fingers gripping the table. Rin squinted, watching his best friend carefully.

"_No."_ He said hesitantly. "It was a pretty mutual thing. _Why?" _He asked, lips curling wide to show off his teeth. Aiichirou giggled, elbowing Rin playfully.

"They were probably betting on us!" He choked on his laughter as all four of their friends' faces went pale, mouths falling open in a complete display of shock. "_Oh my god_." He whispered.

"What the _fuck_ guys." Rin spat. Aiichirou tried keeping his lips shut but burst out laughing, hilariously proud of himself for guessing correctly. Makoto held up his hands defensively.

"Rei and I had nothing to do with this!" He said. Nagisa scoffed, pointing an accusing finger at Makoto and slamming his other hand down on the table.

"_Lies!_ Mako-chan and Haru-chan both bet on Rin-chan making the first move!" He yelled, a grumpy pout on his face. Aiichirou calmed his laughter and as he drew in a full breath he couldn't help wondering. If Haruka and Makoto had bet on Rin, then…

"You and Rei-kun bet on _me?"_ He squeaked, cheeks flushing. Nagisa relaxed a bit, wide eyes turning to Aiichirou. A smile slowly blossomed on his rosy face.

"Of course!" He said, a devilish sparkle in his eyes. "Rin-chan could never make a first move, look at him! He's as romantic as a man eating shark!" He said, quickly ducking under the table as the loud scrape of Rin's chair overpowered his voice.

"You goddamn punk, what do _you_ know about romance?" Rin yelled, reaching over the wide table, fingertips just barely able to touch the wispy curls on Nagisa's head. Aiichirou hung off Rin's arm, putting all his weight into trying to pull his boyfriend back into his chair and desperately yelling for him to calm down.

"Shark teeth aren't romantic, Rin-chan!" Nagisa cried from under the table. Rei looked all too eager to leave Nagisa to his death, scooting away from him and Rin's struggling hands. Aiichirou sputtered, losing his grip on Rin and falling back into his chair.

"Oh, I wouldn't say _that_, Nagisa-kun." He said, staring his friend confidently in the eyes, a definite wiggle in his eyebrows. Rin completely forgot about Nagisa in favor of staring at Aiichirou, eyes wide with horror and mouth pulled into a shaky frown.

"_Aiichirou_." He screeched, face flushed. Aiichirou pursed his lips, looking away innocently. Nagisa used his arms on the table to pull himself off the ground and back into his chair, a toothy grin on his face.

"Ai-chan is kinda dirty minded!" He said. Aiichirou and Nagisa shared a somewhat mischievous looking glance. Rin all but shrieked.

"Hazuki is rubbing off on you Ai, _Jesus Christ_." He grumbled, slapping his hand into Aiichirou's as he sat down. Aiichirou twirled a grey strand of hair around his finger, stirring old thoughts around his head. He didn't think it had anything to do with Nagisa. Aiichirou was just feeling more comfortable around Rin and his friends now.

He'd spent so much time agonizing over how people saw him, how he saw himself, that he hadn't put much thought into things like sex. He hadn't yet gotten the nerve to masturbate, even though he wanted to. It was conflicting and confusing and never failed to make him upset. What he _wanted_ to touch _wasn't there_, and despite youtube videos and how-to guides, he just couldn't get into it. He'd try to close his eyes and, just, go for it, but his arm would bump against his breast or his fingers would get to the slit in between his thighs and the illusion would break. He wasn't sure what to do about it.

Aiichirou realized he'd drifted off with his own thoughts when Rin tugged him up from his chair. He thought he heard Rin yelling that they were leaving, Nagisa whining about Rin being a spoil-sport and Rei chastising him for knowing better than to tease Rin so much. He blinked a few times, stumbling into a short jog and then falling in step beside Rin.

"You shouldn't get so upset." Aiichirou said, smiling lightly. Rin glanced at Aiichirou, a grumpy frown on his face, hair in his eyes. He spoke, words muddled under his pouting lips. Aiichirou bumped against them as they walked down the mall, fingers still shamelessly laced. Perhaps it was Rin's pointed teeth, but no one seemed to want to bother them, and Aiichirou didn't want to let go. "What?" He asked. Rin hunched his shoulders.

"I _said_ it's _embarrassing_." He said. Aiichirou pressed his fingertips over his lips, looking away from the glare Rin was pointing at him.

"S-Sorry." Aiichirou said. "I like showing you off though!" He smiled wide, swinging their hands. Rin sighed, letting his shoulders drop and his face relax, but his face was burning red as he pulled his hand away from Aiichirou and shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. Aiichirou frowned lightly, his hands held out awkwardly. He tried to ignore the cold panic that burst through him as he crossed his arms, desperately trying to find something to do with his now empty hands. He watched his feet as they left through the mall's main entrance.

Holding hands while locked away in their dorm room was one thing, but anywhere in the school or out in public and Rin reverted back to his old prickly self. They'd only been dating for a few days and Aiichirou was slowly learning that 'dating' was in no way synonymous with 'all access pass'. There were still rules, for both of them, and some of the conditions of mutual touch didn't follow the best logic. Now that he thought about, Rin really hadn't initiated anything yet. He let Aiichirou hold him and cuddle him and run his fingers through his hair, but Aiichirou couldn't remember Rin doing anything in return, or of his own accord. Aiichirou side glanced his boyfriend. He looked grumpy as ever.

"Are we-"

"We're walking home." Rin said, eyes stuck on the road ahead. Aiichirou nodded. It was cold, but the sun was high and warm and he liked Rin's company even if he wasn't in the best mood. Aiichirou pressed his gloved hands over his mouth and nose, letting the heat of his breath warm him up as much as it could. When Aiichirou dropped his hands, he mistakenly glanced at Rin once more, this time meeting his boyfriend's eyes. They quickly looked away, blushing. Aiichirou wanted to wait to see if Rin had something to say, but his thoughts were growing and festering and, oh, who was he kidding. He huffed, pouting.

"Do you really like me, Rin?" Aiichirou asked. He wanted to look Rin in the eyes, could see the sway of Rin's hair as he turned his head to look at him, but his eyes felt heavy and stayed pointed towards the ground. Aiichirou pulled nervously at the sleeves of his jacket, shivered. His clothes really weren't warm enough for this weather.

"Of _course_ I really like you." Rin finally answered. He paused, words hanging off sharp teeth. "Do _you_ really like _me?"_

Aiichirou heaved his eyes up, his mouth falling open. Rin looked scared, a subtle pinch of his eyebrows and a lost look in his open eyes. "Yes! I do." Aiichirou shook his head, apologizing at least three times. Rin didn't look as convinced as Aiichirou needed him to be. "I-It's just, you never…If it weren't for me, we'd never hold hands or cuddle or do anything like that!" He said. Rin's eyes fell back to the path in front of them. They turned a corner. He looked less scared and more, Aiichirou wasn't sure, maybe a little confused. He wasn't sure what else he could say, so he counted the cracks in the cement under his feet to keep himself occupied until Rin spoke again.

"You always flinch away when I try to touch you." Rin said, shrugging. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable." He pressed his lips into a thin line, turned his head just enough to catch Aiichirou's eyes. Aiichirou smiled sheepishly, laughing nervously. His heart was absolutely burning with affection, but also _guilt_.

"I-I'm sorry," He said, clasping his hands in front of him. He should have known that was the issue, but then again he liked to pretend like he _didn't_ flinch at every little touch. He never meant to, and certainly never with Rin. "It's not like you make me uncomfortable. It doesn't scare me, I promise." He said, a rosy blush tinting his nose and ears. "I just flinch because-" Aiichirou's teeth closed around the words he couldn't say, eyes wide as the ghosts of his past hit him hard in the chest. Even if he wanted to talk about it, he didn't think he could, especially not out on a public street. He looked at Rin, his mouth hanging open with a helpless expression on his face. Rin, having experience with facing his _own_ ghosts, nodded, communicating he understood and encouraged Aiichirou to move on from the subject. He took a deep breath.

"T-The point is it's involuntary, and I promise I'll tell you if I ever really don't want to be touched."

They took another turn, walking into a beautifully scenic park. Aiichirou knew this was faster than walking _around_ the park, but he liked to think Rin was trying to be romantic. Aiichirou smiled wide. Rin glanced from side to side. The park didn't seem too popular now that winter was starting to set in. He sighed, pulled a hand out of his pocket and held it out towards Aiichirou. The boy squealed, snapped his mouth shut, and quickly took the offered hand eagerly, his smile pressing his cheeks upward into his eyes. He nuzzled up against Rin's side, unaffected by his boyfriend's halfhearted protests for personal space.

"Hey, Rin?" Aiichirou asked, taking one last look around to make sure they were alone, and they were. Rin raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah?" He asked. Aiichirou could feel the heat on his cheeks but he'd kept this question to himself for nearly a half hour and he was sure he would die if he didn't ask it now that he had the chance. He took a quiet breath.

"Have you ever had sex with a girl?" He asked, hand gripping tight around Rin's retreating hand.

"We haven't even kissed, Ai!" He coughed, slapping the over exaggerated puckered lips off Aiichirou's face. "_NOT RIGHT NOW_." He yelled, halfheartedly trying to claw his hand away from Aiichirou, but his boyfriend held on tight with his lips drawn down in a childish pout. Rin huffed, settling down and admitting defeat. Aiichirou, as usual, didn't know when to let the subject go.

"I just wanted to know if you have experience with…that sort of thing?" He said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Is this really the place to talk about that?" Rin choked on his own spit, tugging once more at Aiichirou's hand. Aiichirou shook his head, pulling back.

"Noooo, don't let go, please!" He whined. "We can talk about it later but don't let go!" He took a big step forward, stumbling, but getting far ahead enough to catch's Rin's eyes and show off an impressive pout. Rin grimaced, sighed, nodded.

"Fine, sure, we can talk about it when we get to the dorm." He mumbled, eyes off in the bare tree branches. Aiichirou smiled so wide it hurt, but he couldn't help it. Rin made him so _happy_. No one had ever made him feel so safe and so _right_.

They probably looked horribly unstable to anyone on the outside. Rin was always yelling about _something_ and Aiichirou couldn't stop flinching at his every little move. They fought about who should clean the dorm and who should do laundry and what they should buy for dinner so often they ended up just doing everything as a pair. Aiichirou had a bad habit of staying in Rin's personal space too long and Rin had a talent for saying all the wrong things at any given time. They didn't perfectly fill the gaps in each other, they couldn't speak for each other, they couldn't communicate with their eyes or gestures, everything had to be talked about in simple words, and there was always something that needed to be talked about.

They weren't _perfect_.

Aiichirou was in a bit of a dreamy spell, he knew that, but it was hard to let himself be slave to it when even now he and Rin were constantly bickering. He knew his and Rin's faults and how they grated against each other, but he also knew that eventually, those sharp edges would smooth out. They could learn how to avoid hurting each other, so it was okay if things weren't perfect right now. They were only highschoolers, after all, and Aiichirou had goals spanning into his late years of life. There was still so much time to get things right, and so many things that were already right, perfection be damned. He would never doubt his safety in Rin's company.

* * *

Aiichirou shut the door behind him, locking it. Rin hung up his coat and scarf, glaring at Aiichirou pointedly. The younger boy looked away, smiling nervously. Rin hated when he piled his clothes on his desk. He coughed as he side stepped up to the closet to hang up his coat.

"So, that thing we were talking about?" He asked hesitantly. He could hear Rin's sharp intake of breath. Holding. Holding. Hooooolding-

"Yeah." He sighed, the pat-pat of his feet on the hard floor following. Aiichirou fumbled with his coat, then turned on his heel to find Rin sitting on the edge of his bunk. Aiichirou hopped onto his desk chair, hands on his knees, politely waiting for Rin to continue. Rin grimaced, rubbed at the back of his neck. "Um, yeah. I've slept with girls." He said, hesitantly looking at Aiichirou. The boy's eyes lit up.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but-"

"If you're going to ask anyway don't put a disclaimer on it!"

"Have you ever had sex with _guys?"_ Aiichirou asked, leaning forward in his chair. Rin's lips pulled down into a half frown.

"Yeah." He said. Aiichirou rubbed his lips together thoughtfully, looking down at his hands. When he raised his eyes, he was confident.

"Rin!" He said, making his boyfriend jump ever so slightly. Aiichirou laughed nervously, took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. "Sorry, um, this is a little embarrassing to say." He said, pursing his lips and looking towards the ceiling.

"Don't say anything you aren't ready to say." Rin scolded. Aiichirou shook his head, grey strands of hair brushing over his cheeks and the fading bruise on his forehead.

"Nope! I'm ready!" He said, then coughed, trying to lower his voice. "I keep trying to masturbate…but I really can't do it." He said, frowning. He wasn't even bothered by the intimacy of the information he was giving. He was far more concerned, once again, by what he was lacking. His eyes were big and blue and _sad_. He slumped in his seat. "I try but I just, don't have what I expect to be there? I think it feels like I'm touching someone else, so I freak out and…I can't do it." He sighed, wrapping his arms around himself. "Isn't that silly?" He asked, finding Rin's eyes. Rin's embarrassment had left him and he was staring back at Aiichirou with a serious look in his eyes. He hummed, crossing his arms.

"Have you tried…letting yourself pretend you're touching someone else…? Like you're touching a girl?" Rin asked. Aiichirou blinked slowly a few times.

"No, I haven't." He said. "That doesn't sound like a bad idea..." Aiichirou fidgeted with the wrinkles of his baggy shirt. "B-But what if I can't do that…?" He asked. Rin sighed, his tongue poking at the tips of his teeth as he thought.

"Then…" He spoke all too carefully. "Then come to me. And we'll try something else." He said, the tiniest hint of pink clouding over his cheeks. Aiichirou's eyes were impossibly wide. He wasn't entirely certain what Rin was offering, but it had to do with _sex_ and Aiichirou didn't think that would ever actually happen. He pressed a hand to his burning cheek, nodded, grinning.

"Okay!" He said.

"But not before our first kiss!" Rin said, glaring his boyfriend down. Aiichirou's grin wilted.

"Oh did you want to do that now-"

"_No._"

"What?" Aiichirou pouted. "If not now, then _when_?" he asked, hunching his shoulders. How could Rin expressly deny Aiichirou their first kiss? What was wrong with this moment? Rin got on his feet.

"Tomorrow!" He screeched, his cheeks flushing. He sucked in a slow breath. "_Tomorrow_," he repeated, his voice careful. "The lights in the park go up. Would you like to go on a walk through them with me?" He asked, eyes burning bright and maybe a touch intimidating. Aiichirou pulled his feet up onto his chair, hugging his knees as he nodded.

"_Yes!"_ He answered, his smile a near perfect U shape. Rin's eyebrows were pinched, but he let himself smile.

"After practice, okay? It'll be dark by then." He said. Aiichirou nodded enthusiastically. "Good."

Aiichirou watched Rin disappear into the bathroom, frozen in place for several moments. Eventually he turned back to his cluttered desk to give his fidgety fingers an outlet. He stacked his books, brushed all the crumbs and crumpled papers into the waste bin, repositioned his stuffed animals. Rin was taking him on a _date_. A real, honest date. Aiichirou couldn't get over it. His heart was drumming the happiest beat he'd ever heard and it was taking every ounce of self-restraint he had not to just _scream_.

Aiichirou had just finished organizing his textbooks when Rin opened the bathroom door and flopped down onto his desk chair.

They studied quietly in each other's company for some time, right up until Aiichirou asked Rin to help him with his English homework. Rin had gotten better at actually helping Aiichirou, rather than telling him all the answers, and doing it without yelling too (as long as Aiichirou didn't whine too much). Aiichirou honestly didn't think he'd pass if it weren't for Rin's little tutoring sessions. Aiichirou's focus was frayed now, and Rin seemed similarly uninterested in being patient with his friend. There was some yelling, and somehow the fighting devolved into a war with Rin and Aiichirou on opposite sides of the room, crushing paper into projectiles to be fired at one another.

Needless to say, not much studying was accomplished that night.

* * *

Aiichirou nervously tugged at his collar as he tried to ignore the fifteenth ping of his cell phone in a row. Nagisa was absolutely blowing his phone up, which was not helping his nervousness one bit. Aiichirou was ready to break his phone in half if Nagisa didn't just wait for him to reply.

He took a shaky breath, combing his hair into place. He picked up his phone and tapped out a reply, not even bothering to read what Nagisa had sent him.

"_I thought you'd like to know I'm wearing the outfit you bought me."_

Aiichirou giggled, sliding his phone into his pocket and looking himself in the mirror. He brushed his fingers over his bangs one more time, making sure his bruise was covered. He snapped the wrinkles out of his wool tights, adjusted his belt, pulled his sleeves down so only his fingertips were visible. He was blushing and he felt like he'd just run a marathon, but he was ready. Rin knocked on the bathroom door just as Nagisa replied (three times).

"Are you ready, _now_?" He asked. Aiichirou gulped, nodded, flushed when he realized Rin couldn't actually _see_ him nodding.

"Y-Yes, coming!" He yelled through the door, taking one last moment to look at himself and check his phone. He sighed, Nagisa wanted selfies. He quickly took a few, all of which were blurry from his shaking hands, and sent them to his friend before pushing his phone back into his pocket.

Aiichirou opened the door slowly, poking his head out. Rin was by the door wearing a black coat buttoned up over a warm scarf. He raised an eyebrow.

"Come on, let's go." He said, nodding his head towards the door. Aiichirou's mouth went dry, he pushed the door aside.

The look on Rin's face was well worth stepping out of his fashion comfort zone. His cheeks flared bright pink, his mouth parted just enough to reveal the tiny points of his teeth. Aiichirou giggled nervously as he grabbed his coat and scarf.

"Ai, you look so-" Rin squinted, his hands in the air as if he could grab the right words. "_Cute_." He said. Aiichirou crossed his arms, trying and failing to look grumpy.

"You don't have to sound so _surprised_." He laughed. Rin shook his head.

"S-Sorry." He said.

"Well you look pretty handsome, so I guess we balance each other." Aiichirou shrugged, his smile the tiniest bit nervous. Rin's eyes slid away, his blush just a little brighter. He opened the door, waited for Aiichirou to leave, then locked it behind them.

On their way to the park, Aiichirou asked about Haruka and Makoto. Rin said they were doing well, and somehow got on the subject of embarrassing childhood stories. Aiichirou tried to tell Rin he shouldn't talk about them like that, but the nostalgic smile he wore while talking about his youth was too beautiful and so Aiichirou ended up laughing along with terribly personal stories that he didn't think he should know about. Rin asked about Nagisa and Rei. Aiichirou pouted and said Nagisa needed to be more concerned with his own life instead of constantly pestering Aiichirou for personal details. Rin just laughed like he knew exactly what Aiichirou was talking about, and he probably did.

It wasn't until the warm white lights of the park's winter display were all around them that Rin took Aiichirou's hand, lacing their fingers. Aiichirou bit down on his tongue to keep from mentioning it and possibly ruining the moment. They walked down a stone path, eyes on the frosty lights strung up on the trees lining either side of the path. It was beautiful and lovely, especially going hand in hand with Rin.

Rin stopped them both about halfway through the trail. The lights in the bushes were dull and blinking, but the lights in the trees were bright and constant. Staring into Rin's eyes, it was if time had stopped. The lights were photo frozen snowflakes and the hum of the city around them was a symphony. Rin was pale and cold bitten, his cheeks and nose a bright pink. He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, leaned down.

Aiichirou nearly swore when he flinched. Rin froze, his eyes not leaving Aiichirou's. They breathed for a moment, the air between them hot with exhaled breath.

"Can I kiss you now?" He asked gently. Aiichirou parted his lips to respond, but all that came out was a strangled squeal. He kept trying to speak, but couldn't seem to find his voice. He shook his head, threw his arms around Rin's neck and pulled him down, their lips crashing into each other. It was hard and warm and _wonderful_.

Rin sighed out his nose, the breath tickling Aiichirou's burning cheek. He parted his lips, giggling involuntarily. Rin laughed too, pressed his lips back to Aiichirou's, his hands around the boy's waist. Aiichirou didn't think they could get any closer, but he sure as hell tried. He knew he was too excited when he nestled his fingers in Rin's long hair, but his heart was bursting and he couldn't stop. Rin hummed, their lips buzzing together delightfully. He pulled back a little, letting Aiichirou press one last peck on him. Aiichirou reluctantly followed Rin's lead and loosened his grip. They wore goofy smiles on their pink lips and the sparkle of the lights around them danced in their eyes.

Rin pressed his face into the crook of Aiichirou's neck, nuzzling and squeezing him tight. Aiichirou knew Rin could hear his pounding pulse, but he didn't mind. He hugged Rin back, smiling big and wide.

"_Thank you-"_

They froze. Rin straightened himself. As soon as Aiichirou saw his boyfriend's shaky smile they both sputtered into a laughing fit. Were they really one of those couples that talked in sync? How clichéd.

Aiichirou's arms eventually fell from Rin's shoulders, and somehow Rin's fingers were tangled with Aiichirou's once again. They grinned stupidly at each other.

"No wonder you wouldn't let me kiss you in the dorm." Aiichirou said, eyes sliding up to the lights in the trees. Rin looked too proud of himself as he shrugged, tugging Aiichirou into a steady walk.

"It was pretty great, wasn't it?" He said, rolling his shoulders.

"It was something straight out of a manga!"Aiichirou said. Rin went rigid, shooting a nervous glare at his boyfriend.

"Y-You read too much _crap_." He stuttered.

"What? But you're the one who set this up!" Aiichirou whined, furrowing his brow in confusion. Rin winced.

"_Nevermind."_ He coughed. Aiichirou sighed. Leave it to Rin to turn sour at a moment's notice, but Aiichirou's heart was too light to be brought down. He felt like he was swaying on his feet.

"Does this mean I can kiss you whenever I want now…?" He asked hesitantly. Rin side glanced him.

"Yeah…sure. Just, not in front of the swim team, okay?" He said. Aiichirou smiled.

"Okay!" He said. He watched Rin's eyebrows pull down, his smile turning into a frown. Aiichirou panicked. "W-What?" He asked, looking around frantically, but no one was within ear shot.

"I think you're phone's buzzing." He said, pointing to the hip Aiichirou had pressed to Rin's thigh. Aiichirou flushed, letting go of Rin's hand to dig his phone out.

Flipping his battered black phone open, he was instantly alerted to 19 NEW TEXTS from NAGISA-KUN. Aiichirou sighed, letting his head fall back. Rin leaned over, reading the alert just before Aiichirou cleared it.

"Jesus Christ." He laughed. "What the hell, Naigsa?" He shook his head. Aiichirou pursed his lips, nodding.

"Hey, hey!" Aiichirou said, turning bright sparkling blue eyes up to Rin. "Let's take a picture!" He said. "Nagisa wants one, and I mean, so do I."

"Oh yeah, sure." Rin nodded.

They argued over which tree had the best lights for nearly a minute, and in the end chose the one they'd stopped in front of. They both wrapped their fingers around Aiichirou's phone and held it up, snapping a perfect picture.

Rin had looked at Aiichirou just as the picture was taken. The lights glowed behind them, and the lights from the other side of the path lit up their blushing faces. The smile on Rin's face was perfection.

"Wait! We have to take one with my phone too." He said, throwing an arm around Aiichirou's waist before he could walk away. Aiichirou giggled, his hands covering his mouth.

They ended up taking nearly 20 photos by the time they got back to the dorm. They pulled off their coats and scarves and settled into Rin's bunk. Aiichirou stayed cuddled up next to Rin, Rin's laptop warming up the sheets. He was becoming increasingly frustrated as he sifted through the pictures, unable to choose which ones he should keep. Aiichirou tried to help by pointing out the ones he liked, but it still took Rin several hours to agree with him.

Aiichirou had fallen asleep against Rin's side by then, arms limp around his boyfriend's waist. Rin stifled a laugh, shutting his computer down and sliding it carefully out of the way. He was by no means gentle when he shifted Aiichirou so that his head lay on Rin's pillow, but it didn't appear anything was going to be waking him anytime soon. He just curled into a tight ball, pressing his head against Rin's warm chest wrapped up in a beautiful sense of security.

They weren't perfect, and Aiichirou thought he might prefer it that way.

* * *

_Author's Notes-_

WEEEEELL I don't have much to say this chapter. We're nearing the end friends, I hope you've enjoyed it so far (and will keep enjoying the last few chapters). As always, your comments and reviews are held in a very special place in my heart. Thank you for reading! Have a lovely day/night!

_**-FoxyGrampaGlasses**_


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